CONFIDENCE – Part 3 – Boundaries

Hereʼs a prime example from my own life. I was married and we were having some troubles, as couples often do after 13 years. I firmly believed in our love and our vows, so I immediately sought after every way I could to save our marriage. I realized I had woefully let myself and my wife down in the Kai Zen department, so I ferreted out all the knowledge I could find to heal and strengthen our relationship. Divorce was not an option. There was love and it could save us.

But sadly, my attempts were too late. The damage had been done. She had already done the one thing I could never forgive. Adultery. And with my best pal, no less. Dick.

And with that, she had crossed over my line and busted through my boundary. And yes, there had to be a consequence. And mine was swift. Within 2 days I had filed for divorce, cancelled all insurances, changed the locks on the doors (she had a place to stay, believe me), and began liquidating and dividing things up, and prepared to move to another state.

It was terrible. I was distraught, horrified, and completely lost. Everything I knew and loved had just come crashing down, family, friends, business, everything. I did not want to lose her, but I already had. There was nothing I could do. I had to be strong in my conviction.

This is the hard part of being a man – repercussions. She did “A,” I had to do “B.” There was no other way. This is a drastic example to be sure. I hope none of you have to ever go through that, and by stating and maintaining your boundaries from the start, you can avoid such dim circumstances.

State your boundaries clearly and vocally from the beginning. Tell her what you will and will not accept – on several issues.

Communicate! She will appreciate your honesty and she will know what you expect from her. She will test you for sure, and you should welcome these tests as a chance for you to demonstrate your manly awesomeness. She is interested in you for a reason, so let her keep reminding herself how great you really are!

Testing is one thing, breaking the boundaries is another. You truly have to know yourself when these moments come up. Because these are the “make or break” moments in relationships. If she does “A” and you do NOT do “B,” she will have lost respect for you.

When a woman loses respect for you, it is very hard for you to get it back. So earn and keep that respect from the start. Know your own boundaries and defend them! If she breaks them and you do nothing, the cracks in those boundary walls will eventually give way again. It is incredibly hard to do, but sometimes you have to walk away. You may leave a bit battered and bruised, but be optimistic in the knowledge that you have strong boundaries that can lead you to a much better place with a much better woman in your life, just like me.

Go On, Be Strong

Spike Spencer, the Dating Sage
www.DontKillYourDate.com