Question & Answer with Carlos
DATING ADVICE QUESTION:
Hey Carlos,
I myself have a lot of success with women and date a lot. Some of my relationships last as long as 6 months and some only 6 days – this since breaking up with my 4 year “High School Sweetheart” after graduation in 2001.
I’ve been involved in different types of relationships since then (long distance, dating mutiple women, short term, long term, serious, not-serious, ect.)
I didn’t want to be too serious with anyone… It’s just that my last serious relationship about 3 months ago ended badly because we both wanted more and I wasn’t able commit myself. I’m not sure why but I couldn’t get too close…
And it’s not that I don’t want to be hurt because I am pretty good with getting over women… It’s just that it’s an old habit that I need help breaking.
What do you think?
– Scott from Pensacola
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Remember some of the most important things I teach:
1) We rarely tell the truth to ourselves. We all struggle to protect our sense of self-esteem, so we tell ourselves whatever story makes us feel better.
2) What you THINK is going on is rarely the case because you are almost always hiding some bit of information – or just not seeing it. Your actions always tell the truth.
What you mention with not getting too close is not a “habit,” my friend.
By calling it a ‘habit,’ you are attempting to remove any emotional responsibility for what you’re doing instead of owning up to the Reality.
Or the ‘Dating Truth,’ as I call it.
Not that you’re a bad person. It’s just that from the clues you give me in your email, you’re not much older than 24, and you’ve got a lot of years ahead of you in the dating scene. You’re told (by the media, social pressure, etc.) that you SHOULD want a long-term monogamous relationship and marriage.
But the TRUTH again is that most people marry too early, and without the skills they need to make it last.
I need to also point out a contradiction in your letter where you say:
“My last serious relationship about 3 months ago ended badly because we both wanted more and I wasn’t able commit myself. I’m not sure why but I couldn’t get too close..”
ACTIONS are all that matters. RESULTS tell the story.
If you weren’t able to get closer to her, you didn’t WANT to get closer. You wanted OUT. I think a lot of women label a guy’s reluctance to “settle down” as “intimacy issues.” The truth is that just as many women have intimacy problems as men. We just use clever self-help terminology to label it and judge.
The bottom line is that you are not ready to jump into a deep relationship. And that’s fine.
I think the most likely answer to WHY is this:
You’re young.
You’re a guy.
You want to experience more women.
Marrying or jumping into a long term relationship before you’re ready for it is the kiss of death.
I don’t think people are ready to “settle down” until MUCH later in life. I used to think LATE twenties, but now I’m more convinced that early 30’s is even better. The newest “trend” is people getting married in their late 30’s and having children in their early 40’s.
Just don’t be in too much of a hurry.
So, you don’t have a “habit,” Scott.
You have a natural need to experience the world of women.
And don’t listen to anyone that tells you that you MUST conform to their idea of proper mating habits. Your family will be the first to pressure you…
– Grandma: “When are you getting married, Scotty?”
– Mom: “You should settle down! Find a nice girl! You’re just too picky.”
– Dad: (Silent, but envious.)
When you find someone that’s good for you, AND you’re ready, you’ll REALLY want to get closer.
But don’t fool yourself and get all neurotic about it now. You’re too young.
Use what I teach to find the women you want to date casually. When you’ve gotten more experience, you’ll be ready.
– Carlos Xuma
http://www.datingdynamics.com
