One Woman Man
This topic is actually a very important area to consider during the dating process. Most men are obsessive when they find a target of interest to focus their romantic energies on. Once they’ve found a woman who they like, and who (*probably*) likes them, they think:
– I should stop looking and talking and getting phone numbers. This is the ONE!
– If she thought I was seeing other women, I’d lose my shot. I better go exclusive right away!
– Or the worst: If I see other women, I’m CHEATING on her.
Let’s review these rationalizations and correct them one at a time:
– I should stop looking and talking and getting phone numbers. This is the ONE!
It’s easy to view the gal you’re currently seeing as an escape from what is thought of as the ‘horrible world of dating.’ Every man dives in the dating pool hoping to jump back out as soon as humanly possible. The fallacy here is that many men convince themselves (at the start) that we are only out there to suffer short-term pain and not deal with it again. The reality is that keeping yourself in circulation will always help your attitude, and the ugly truth is that you need to have a cushion of reserves to protect your heart in case your current beau goes nutty and dumps you. It’s mercenary, but if you don’t look out for you, who else will? Besides, it’s even easier to get positive results (i.e., phone numbers, dates) when you don’t care about the outcome. It’s a very Zen concept that is most applicable to the dating world.
– If she thought I was seeing other women, I’d lose my shot. I better go exclusive right away!
Okay, here we’re assuming that ‘she’ is a gal you’re seeing but not yet in a committed relationship with. The problem with this response is that it is totally inaccurate. A woman wants a challenge, not your availability. Sometimes the source of this thinking is mired in the reverse: we don’t want the woman we’re dating to see other guys, so we figure that we can establish security through monogamy.
– If I see other women, I’m CHEATING on her.
No, no, no, no. Cheating is when you are breaking a vow of marriage or a pledge of monogamy to the woman you are with. If you have decided to be exclusive with a woman, you have transcended the needs of this article and have found someone that you believe is a worthwhile long-term partner. What I’m referring to here is when you are only dating casually, and none of the women have really stepped up, raised their hand, and said they want to be a meaningful part of your life. (And if you demonstrate the right amount of confidence and independence, that’s exactly what she should do — sell herself to YOU.) You are under no obligation to be monogamous until you have found a woman you intend to be monogamous with. There is no unwritten rule of dating that says you can only date one person at a time.
There are many reasons to not focus your attention on just one woman, but here are a few of the most important:
– By having more than one woman in your life, you will have a great method of comparing and understanding behavior. You’ll see what they do in common versus differently, and with a little careful analysis you’ll learn a great deal more about women. Think of it as a relationship labaratory where you can work on experiments. You have to be able to observe and objectively judge what it is you’re looking for in a woman, and whether or not she has it.
– By having more than one woman in your life, you will be better able to manage your emotions and control yourself in relation to the women in your life. If you have only one woman, you are stuck in scarcity mentality, where you in danger of taking a great deal of sh*t from a woman because you might (mistakenly) believe that you cannot get another, or that you are lucky to have this one. Make one thing clear to yourself: Initially, she must feel lucky to have YOU! Not the other way around. You’ll be better able to call her on her antics, tests, and confusing behavior.
– By having more than one woman in your life, you become a more valuable commodity in their eyes. A woman does not want what can be had easily. (Neither does a man, really.) We want what is valuable, and value is in direct proportion to the UN-availability of that resource. If diamonds were in every creek bed and back yard, we’d use them as aquarium gravel.
– By having more than one woman in your life, you cushion yourself against adversity. If one woman dumps you (and if you’re being funny, confident, and controlling yourself, only a nut-case would) you’ll be able to sleep a lot better at night. None of that late-night drunk guy calls to say: “I hate you, you bitch! But there’s always a chance for us…”
– By having more than one woman in your life, you avoid obsessive thinking. This is perhaps the most important of all the reasons I can cite here. Ever find yourself checking your email every three or four minutes, wondering if her response is there? Ever call home to see if she’s left you a message on your machine? Ever find yourself calling her a couple times a day and leaving messages on her voicemail? These actions are self-defeating in the relationship game. The addition of one (1) additional woman in your dating life can have a dramatically positive affect on your attitude, and that will translate into a relaxed state that every woman you interact with will feel. When you spread your attention around, switching off the scarcity mentality, you convey a confidence by losing all that urgency. There can be interaction with no desperate overtones. When you have more possibilities, you won’t rush romance, which is probably the most common affliction of the modern man.
The relationship world works on the premise of Supply and Demand, just like they drilled into you in your freshman economics classes. Each side has an influence on the equation. Too much supply means lowered demand. Too much demand can make us withdraw the supply, like when she’s clingy and needy. However, lowering the supply is the one thing under your control. Perception is reality. If you are desired by others, they’ll want you, if only to find out what the big deal is.
In essence, this boils down to a man caring too much about what a woman thinks. Someone famous (or at least insightful) once said that the one way to assure mediocrity in your life is to care what other people think about you. I believe this is very true. (It can be taken to sociopathic extremes, but the sad truth is that most people err to the other extreme — letting everyone’s opinion bother them and shape their lives.)
The fact of the matter is that the more you act independent, like you don’t really give a damn about a woman’s opinion of you, you set in motion many different mechanisms. It’s much easier for a man to act independently when he believes he has many options available to him, and those options are severely limited when he dates only one woman.
I can hear the rebellious voices in your heads trying to shoot holes in this already. “What?” you cry, aghast. “I can never be faithful to a woman? I always have to be cheating on her?”
Number One: It is not cheating. Never mislead a woman to think you’re exclusive with her when you’re not. Contrary to the little lies your self-esteem is whispering into your cerebellum, she will not dump you for seeing other women. You’ll be considered a challenge and valued as such. And if she did dump you for dating others, would you really have wanted that kind of frantic, needy relationship? I hope not.
Number Two: Of course you should eventually be with only one woman … but not until she’s passed all your screening and litmus tests and you’re sure this is someone you want to be with exclusively. My own personal rule of thumb is that unless we’re talking about rings in the very near future, I’m still open to finding Miss Right, and letting her into my life.
Remember: No woman is a “Yes!” when you first start dating. She can only be a “Maybe…” Date more “Maybes” and you stand a better shot at finding that “Yes.”
