Q&A with Carlos – What do you do if you have no social circle?
Hello Carlos,
I appreciate your taking the time to read this question and also for all of your programs – I have read the Dating Black Book (multiple times) and it was a huge help.
I received today’s daily e-mail from you and it really struck a chord – the message revolved around the “Three Universal Steps to Improving Your Dating Skills.”
Unfortunately, Carlos, I’m stuck at Step 1! I’m NOT putting myself in social situations and places where I can meet women on a regular basis. Of course, I understand that this is my fault, for which I take responsibility.
HOWEVER…here’s the situation: I’m 38 and single. I’m attractive, well-educated (Masters Degree) and physically fit. However, most (just about ALL) of my friends are married, and they either: a) don’t want to go out to meet people; or b) are forbidden to by their wives; or c) have other priorities (i.e., their children).
When I go out alone I feel like a loser…people ask “where are your friends?”
Given that I’m flying solo for the most part, what is my best course of action? And where should I go? I really can’t stand the bar scene and running into a bunch of drunk 20-year olds.
Thanks so much in advance for everything.
Sincerely,
Rob A.
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Rob, I’m glad you wrote in about this problem, because it’s one that I think a lot of guys share, but they don’t realize is so common.
When I was in my mid twenties, I relocated from Washington, DC, to Kansas City, Missouri. (Technically, I lived in Lawrence, KS, for a while, but I moved to the city as soon as possible.)
The move was to help me get to my goal, which was the West Coast – California. And I knew that this was just a temporary situation.
Well, when I got there, I didn’t know anyone. I had to rebuild my social circle from scratch.
When I went out to bars and clubs (which I’ve never been all that fond of), I would get the same question from people. “Where are your friends?” “Don’t you have some friends?”
You have to realize something rather ugly about human beings: they LOVE to pity other people.
Why?
Because somewhere deep inside it gives them a sense of relief that it’s NOT .
Now, I’m not saying people can’t be compassionate, but when it comes to the “friendless” people out there, people will treat you like you’ve got a social disease. Beware their comments designed to make you feel bad and make them feel good for themselves. (In my world, the truly compassionate would befriend a person they thought was lonely.)
The fact is that when you are living in a somewhat isolated social circle, and the answer is very clear.
YOU NEED NEW FRIENDS!
Yes, I know this can seem intimidating. Studies have shown that men over the age of 35 are often more socially isolated because they don’t risk enough to broaden their social circle to create new friendships.
But that’s a matter of choice, not destiny.
Back when I was stuck friendless and alone (and I’ve done this kind of relocation 3 times in my life, having to start over again), I reached the point where I knew I had to DO something.
I got to where I knew I needed to put my social life on the fast track. So here’s a few of the things I did. I think if you push yourself outside your comfort bubble, you’ll be amazed at the results you get.
1) Volunteering.
Go spend some time with kids at the hospital. Go help out at a benefit or fund raiser, or some cause you believe in. Volunteer to read to the elderly or blind.
The one thing we all need to do is help more people, and in the process learn just how small our problems are compared to someone fighting cancer, or who just needs some companionship in their later years.
2) Part-time job.
When I was in Kansas City, I took a job at a software store in the mall. Not because I needed the money, but because I wanted the discount on the games and the chance to talk to people and make friends.
And I had a blast! It was a lot of fun. Not to mention the experience I got just observing people and figuring out social situations and interactions.
3) Start a club.
Put an ad online or in the paper for something you like to do, like writing, or playing fantasy football. Or outdoor activities like hiking or rock climbing.
Now, I can hear you right now saying, “But Carlos, this doesn’t put me into contact with a woman… This won’t get me more dates.”
Well, yes and no.
These are all things I did in my time in Kansas City that made me feel better about myself, got me a bunch of friends, and networked me into a lot more girlfriends.
I dated the sister of a guy I worked with at the software store. I was good friends for years with four of the people I met there. The volunteering work helped me get past a bad breakup in record time. I dated one of the girls I met in my little ‘writer’s club.’
It works.
Now, here’s the logic of why you want a social circle FIRST:
If you were to get a woman without a good balanced circle of friends, you’d probably lose your own internal balance and throw yourself way to hard into a relationship with the first woman that came along. Primarily out of a desire to avoid the pain of being single.
This is one of the biggest mistakes guys make when it comes to dating at any age. You need a well-rounded circle of friends and people to keep you feeling connected and balanced.
The guys that think of their woman as “their world” tend to turn into sad social misfits that wind up divorced because their wife was their only reason for being. Or they stay with a sick, dysfunctional relationship because they’re afraid of being alone again.
She doesn’t complete you. A woman only adds to an already fulfilling life.
And the most important reason you want to seek a strong social circle is the incredible opportunity it affords you to meet their friends, and their friends-of-friends. You’ll get party invitations, and more chances to meet women.
Most women (about 68%) prefer to meet people through their friends.
About 2% of guys meet a girlfriend going to bars and clubs.
Hmmm….
I wonder where the odds are?
Get cracking on a social life that makes YOU happy first, and then you’ll find that you have more people to go to the bars and clubs with, and parties, andsocial events…
And you’ll find that the women come along EASILY.
So if you’re not doing any of these things now, get your ass in gear and get started. Just do ONE thing this week to get you involved. Call some organization and have them put your name down as a volunteer.
COMMIT yourself to the path so you have no choice.
Don’t let the comfort of your current friends blind you to the new ones waiting around every corner.
Everyone in the world wants more friends. But a lot of them are waiting for someone like you to come along and take action and make it happen. If we all wait for something to happen, it never will.
Good luck, and Get Social!
Carlos Xuma
