Q & A with Carlos: What You Are Thinking

I read your Dating Black Book, and it’s been incredibly helpful. However, I came to a part where it says that there is no cure for asking girls out.Ê

You just have to ‘do it’.Ê

Well, the problem is that I don’t have the courage to ‘do it’.Ê

Any suggestions?

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Well, the slogan “Just do it” is a little simplistic, I’ll agree. But once you understand what is really holding you back, the “just do it” advice is more helpful than you might assume.

Let’s start by establishing right now what it is that stops you from acting on your desire:

WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.

And it’s because of these two reasons:

1) Imagining horrible consequences that DO NOT EXIST

2) Not planning and preparing so that you can feel confident in that situation and act anyway

There is nothing different about a man that walks up to a woman and talks to her than the man that doesn’t – other than what he is THINKING beforehand. There is no special “talk to women” gene, or any gift he has that another cannot develop. Arguing to the contrary is a major cop out that will kill your love life.

Now, for the sake of understanding this, here’s what’s going on in the brain of the guy who CAN’T (or won’t) find the courage to approach a woman:

– Women are scary. They are somehow different, like sacred beings. I have to treat them as if they are better than men.

– My value as a man is at stake here.

– I’m not secure enough in my own value to believe that I have enough to offer a woman. After all, why would she want to talk to ME?

– If she rejects me, I’ll be in incredible pain.

Now here’s what the guy is thinking that DOES approach women and talk to them:

– I’m valuable, and she needs to meet me.

– I’m not scared because there’s NO reason to be. She’s not better than me.

– What’s the worst thing that can happen? She’s not interested? Big deal, there’s more fish in the sea. And if I don’t try to meet her, she will NEVER be interested. I lose both ways if I don’t act.

– There’s no way I can let a gal like that get away without experiencing the joy of having someone like me in her life. She’d never forgive me if she found out I didn’t give her that chance.

You can’t be intimidated by a woman unless you believe that her opinion about you is somehow MORE important or valuable about you than your own.

Remember: Don’t place your validation in HER hands. She isn’t qualified for that job. Only YOU are.

What are YOU thinking when you see a woman you want to talk to?

If you’re taking the time to think about ANYTHING (i.e., you’re not just walking up to her) YOU ARE THINKING TOO MUCH!

Don’t give your mind the chance to talk you out of it. Remember, your inner voice of insecurity is just waiting for you to dwell a little too long so it can talk you out of doing anything and staying “comfortable.”

That is why you act right away. If you don’t already know what you’re going to do when you see a woman you’re interested in, you haven’t prepared enough. And there’s nothing new you’re going to figure out while you’re sitting there spinning on your bar stool trying to work up your courage. (Except maybe how to talk yourself out of going over to her!)

Take a few minutes right now to come up with a few opening topics or questions. Try something like, “Hey, I’m looking for a woman’s opinion on something. My friend is trying to meet his next girlfriend. Where do you think he should go?”

That’s simple, cute, and almost guarantees a short chat with her.

Sit down for a few minutes right now. Let me say that again – RIGHT NOW.  Prepare out a couple introductions like that. Memorize them. Then you need never worry about what you’re going to do EVER AGAIN.

Part of the reason you’re “working up courage” is because you’ve got no plan for what you’re going to do. If you did, you could … uh… well, JUST DO IT.

I can promise you this:

She won’t dump her drink in your face.

She won’t slap you.

She won’t tell all her friends about you and laugh hysterically.

In fact, 95 times out of a hundred, she’ll AT LEAST be flattered and impressed that you had the guts to come talk to her.

It’s easy to look at the other guys out there who can just walk up and talk to women with no effort as somehow “gifted.” They seem like they have a mystical ability that the ordinary guy doesn’t.

It’s not magic, or a special power. Believe it or not, they’re still uncomfortable with rejection. All they’re doing is ignoring those discouraging thoughts and taking the risk.

No risk, no reward.