Q&A with Carlos – How to be Confident With Women
How a woman knows if you’re confident or not…
QUESTION:
Carlos, I have a question for you…
I have been approaching going on dates with women pretty regularly over the last year, and I think I may have an issue.
On the last 3 dates I’ve been on, they’ve all ended with the woman avoiding my kiss and just giving me a hug.
What the hell is up with that? I don’t understand what’s going on with them.
For example, one of the women I got hold of again on the phone, and she told me that she just didn’t think I was “strong enough” for her.
Huh? I mean, I know I’m not as confident as I’d like to be, but come on!
Carlos, why do they say this? How does a woman pick up on a man’s confidence?
Bill H., Martinville, NH
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Your story reminds me of something that happened to me when I was in high school.
There was this girl, Shelley. She was too darn cute for her own good. I still remember her weird little smile and the way she would hunch her shoulders when she laughed…
Well, I was friends with her for a while, and suddenly she wanted to date me, which I didn’t argue with. This happens all the time when you’re a teenager.
Shelley and I went out 3 times, that I recall, and at the end of the third date (the “magic” date), I remember what she said to me to this day…
“Hey, it’s been a lot of fun, but I think we’re just meant to be friends…”
Now, this was very disappointing to me. Wait, correction. That CRUSHED me. I actually liked her, and I didn’t just want to score. I thought of her as being my next girlfriend.
So that broke my heart just a little.
What I figured out from that experience later on, when the dust had settled and I could talk to her more openly about the whole thing, was that I wasn’t acting very confidently.
I had just broken up with another girlfriend about a month or two before, and my self-image was in the crapper. So what I didn’t realize and that Shelley was explaining to me was that I was SUB-communicating the fact that I wasn’t very confident.
I discovered that women figure out how confident you are by INTERPRETING your behavior.
Imagine if someone walked up to you and said to you, “Hey, I’m confident.”
You’d think they were a loser, and you probably wouldn’t believe them.
So we use our keen instincts to figure out whether a person REALLY is confident.
To make my situation with Shelley worse, I didn’t know what I was doing, or how to get rid of this low-confidence behavior, even when I KNEW what was going on.
Well, a few years later, I’ve got the answer to this puzzle, and I can tell you exactly how she picked up on my bad vibe.
So here now are my:
TOP 5 WAYS WOMEN FIGURE OUT IF YOU’RE CONFIDENT…
CONFIDENCE SIGNAL 1) You make decisions quickly.
You might think it’s a good idea to be “laid back” and “chilled” when dealing with women, and you’d be right.
BUT…
(And this is a BIG ‘but’… bigger than Oprah’s after she’s fallen off her 33rd diet…)
Women want you to make decisions quickly and effortlessly.
When it comes to casual conversation and interpersonal dynamics, by all means, you can chill and relax. And you NEED to if you want to be able to have a normal conversation with a woman.
But you must be decisive when you’re presented with options. A woman needs to see this from you.
One quick and easy way to demonstrate this is to have a DEFINITE idea of what you want to order when you go out with her. Whether it’s drinks or it’s food, you should know what you want.
CONFIDENCE SIGNAL 2) You don’t watch for HER reactions.
I’ve observed a lot of guys in my bootcamps. The one thing that has been very consistent and has allowed me to predict a guy’s success or failure in an approach is how much he’s looking at HER to figure out either what to do next, or say next.
In psychology, they call this a “boundary” issue. Meaning that you must have a clear and distinct idea of where your identity stops and another person’s begins.
BIG problem here for some guys in the approach because we all desperately WANT the woman to approve of us, don’t we?
Sure we do. It’s only natural in a lot of ways.
But we can’t let that dictate how we act when we talk to women. If you create a “feedback loop” where how SHE reacts changes how YOU act, which then changes how SHE acts…
You see where this gets you? You’re stuck spiraling the drain.
Instead of watching her reactions, you need to act INDEPENDENTLY of her. This is one of the most important indicators a woman looks for, because if you are too busy reacting to her, how can you possibly lead her and provide her a sense of safety and security?
CONFIDENCE SIGNAL 3) You know what you like and what you don’t like. What you stand for, and what you definitely won’t stand for.
This may sound similar to number 1, but it’s not the same thing.
You must have STANDARDS in your life.
These are the critical areas where you decide what you will and WILL NOT have in your life.
– Are there certain kinds of women you would simply not date?
– Is there a woman you would break up with?
– Is there behavior you would not tolerate?
If a woman senses that your answer to those questions is no, or that you’re not sure about them, then you’re going to have a hell of a time getting her to feel SPECIAL.
Remember, she must feel unique to you or she will move on to a man that makes her feel unique and special.
By not having ANY criteria for accepting or denying her, you’re saying – essentially – that you’re desperate.
No woman wants to be the only hope of a desperate man. After all, what does that say about her quality?
CONFIDENCE SIGNAL 4) You can reveal your vulnerabilities.
I’ve discussed this before, but if you really want a woman to get caught up in your spell, you have to drop a lot of your defenses.
Yes, I know that all the other “experts” out there want you to be super strong and guarded against women, but that’s completely the wrong thing to do.
And you also don’t want to act like a wuss, right…?
Damn straight.
Let me tell you something… Women can SENSE low self-confidence. They can pick up on it like a bloodhound.
And while women definitely know when a guy IS confident, they are also very good at figuring when you’re NOT.
One of the best ways to show her you are confident is to demonstrate that you can let her past your initial defenses and show her that you’re a human being.
Let me be clear here: This does not mean that you show her where your weaknesses are, or how to hurt you.
It also does NOT mean that you break down into a sobbing emotional wreck.
You just have to learn how to show vulnerability. Because this is the fastest way to demonstrate that you are a real, AUTHENTIC man.
This one always works if done correctly, because it cannot be faked.
And women KNOW this…
CONFIDENCE SIGNAL 5) You are going somewhere.
I mean this in two different ways.
The first meaning is that when you walk up and talk to her, you also have someplace else you’re going. She wasn’t the reason you stopped – she just got lucky to cross your path, and that you had a few seconds to brighten up her life.
The other way that you are going somewhere is that you have ambition and purpose to your life.
Quite simply, do you have the vibe of a guy who is on his way to something cool…
OR… are you just looking for something cool to do?
The first one indicates that you have already installed and interesting life, and you’re going after it.
If you’re just looking for something cool, this tells her that you’re just waiting for life to HAPPEN to you. You’re passive, not a leader.
Find your purpose.
Find your ambition.
And tap into that Alpha Power.
Your Friend,
Carlos Xuma
PS: You should also know if you want to get the jump-start – I created my Secrets of the Alpha Man program to help guys do just that. Click the link below to learn more.
