Q&A: How To Connect With A Woman
This week, I’m inviting the Skeptic in on our question. The Skeptic is the guy that is hiding out in your brain and trying to stop you from succeeding. Mostly because he’s stuck with some old, unsuccessful herd-mentality beliefs.
I decided I’d let him in on this discussion so you can hear how I handle him in my own brain when he starts to talk me out of what I want to do. Maybe that will help you shut him down in your own mind…
QUESTION ABOUT THE “VIBE”:
Dear Carlos:
I have been reading your newsletter and the complementary book from your website, and I have found it very useful.
However, though I have no trouble approaching any woman I want, I have one question I’d like to ask: Some women I have approached were some how taken back when I speak to them, like they are intimidated of me (I’m 5’8″, well built and always came across as being confident and sure of myself) and some women says I sent across a “stand-offish” vibe when I am talking to them.
Is this a bad thing? And what does it mean by “stand-offish” vibe?
Thank you for your help.
Simon from Australia
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Let’s keep in mind that “bad” is a subjective judgment. What’s bad for you is not necessarily “bad” for me. And vice-versa.
However, in this case where a woman is interpreting this as “stand-offish”, most men would probably agree that this is “bad.” Primarily because you are not CONNECTING with the women you are approaching and that’s keeping you from your goal.
You’re failing to “vibe” with her.
This is something to take care of now, because even if you have no anxiety approaching women now, if you don’t re-calibrate your approach to women with more skill, you’ll soon get really tired of NOT getting results, and it will begin to take its toll on your attitude.
SKEPTIC: “What do you mean? My attitude is just fine…”
Yeah, I’ve seen this happen with guys, where they were once fresh, happy approachers, only they turned to bitter, angry avoiders when they didn’t find the right sexual “key” to open her lock.
So let’s get this taken care of right now.
Here’s my initial guess as to what is happening with your approaches and why you’re not “vibing”…
You’re calibration is off.
SKEPTIC: “What the heck does THAT mean?”
Well, in simplest terms, it means that you are probably more focused on how you’re presenting yourself with “confidence,” and you’re probably coming on too strong.
Women do want confidence in a man, but first and foremost is that she believes she can have a CONNECTION with you. THAT is her priority.
In other words, your priority is not to show confidence. Just by approaching her you’ve done that.
I used to have this problem, too. I was so focused on how *I* was doing that I didn’t have a clue about how *she* was doing… or thinking, or feeling.
As a result, I got all MY objectives completed (approach, check… get her name, check… get her phone number, check…) but I wasn’t getting HER goals completed.
SKEPTIC: “What else is missing? Isn’t that enough?”
No. I wasn’t checking in and being present and making it a TWO-way experience.
BIG MISTAKE.
And when it comes right down to it, a woman is not going to want to see you again if YOU are the only one who enjoyed the approach. She’s got to feel like there was something special and unique there between the two of you.
SKEPTIC: “Yeah, but isn’t that something that’s just ‘chemistry’? You can’t control that…”
Not true. You can make a woman feel that magic, and you’ll be amazed to discover just how little it takes to create that “unique” sensation. Hang on and I’ll tell you how…
Here’s the sad reality: Most guys have an extremely difficult time establishing that connection when they first meet a woman.
Again, it’s primarily because they’re thinking about the approach as a “get” experience instead of a “give” experience. They’re so busy thinking about getting from her that they fail to give her the experience she’s looking for.
SKEPTIC: “So enough about all this give/get crap… How do I make this connection?”
The key to not seeming stand-offish and getting this connection is deceptively simple. It’s so easy, that you’ll be tempted to ignore it.
It’s this…
Just be a little VULNERABLE in the first few minutes of meeting her.
SKEPTIC: “Vulnerable? C’mon, I don’t want to turn into a wuss to impress a woman…”
Damn straight you don’t. And I will never tell you to be less than a man for a woman.
But the ultimate statement of confidence that a man can make is when he is strong enough to show that he can be vulnerable. This is one of the most effective methods of capturing a woman’s attention.
You see, “bravado” is fake courage. Women can smell this faster than your cheap cologne.
But when you reveal a vulnerability to a woman in the right way, she knows this is genuine and authentic. And she’ll be spellbound.
When you do it right, she’ll be telling her girlfriends: “There was just something about him… I can’t explain it…”
SKEPTIC: “Carlos, that’s too simple. There has to be a really cool technique to make her feel connected to me.”
Yeah, I know you want to have a more clever, more complicated TECHNICAL trick up your sleeve, but this one is ten times easier, and ten times more deadly.
And you can’t fake sincerity, my friend.
SKEPTIC: “…..”
Yeah, I thought that might shut you down.
Look, being vulnerable doesn’t mean being a wuss. It means simply showing her that you’re strong enough to not have to hide yourself behind bragging and a fake front.
And the stronger your vibe is up front, the more it’s required for the woman to sense this or she’ll just think you’re another aggro guy that’s boorish and boring.
HERE’S MY FOOLPROOF METHOD OF DISPLAYING VULNERABILITY:
The best way to show this is to reveal what she already knows – or WANTS to know.
You could say:
“Hey, I have to admit, even though I was a little shy at first, I knew I had to come over and talk to you. My name is…”
OR
“I was about to walk away, but you had this great energy about you, and I just knew I’d kick myself if I didn’t come over and say hi.”
In both of those examples, I’m saying that I’m not some player that’s out to collect another phone number. I’m a guy who has feelings, and I risked a little to come over and start this conversation.
It should be real and authentic, which this usually is for most guys. Every guy risks a little something to talk to a woman he finds attractive, right?
So use that as part of your approach and you’ll probably find that most women will not find you so “stand offish” anymore.
If you really focus on the connection between you and her, and this will rarely happen at all.
And while I commend you for starting to get this area of your life finally handled by getting my newsletter, you’ll probably want to take the next step on the path. Don’t stop here.
If there’s anyone or anything in this world that’s worth investing in, and will give you benefits for the rest of your life, you need to invest in YOURSELF.
Give yourself the gift that keeps on giving… Give yourself the Alpha Lifestyle. http://tinyurl.com/654ryn
Carlos Xuma
