Q&A: How to Keep Your Confidence Up
I had a recent “lightbulb” moment that I wanted to share with you.
I think you’ll find this really interesting, especially if you’ve ever heard someone tell you to “be confident” with women.
If you’re in a hurry and you just want to cut to the chase, go here for more information on what you can do for your level of self-confidence:
http://www.alphaconfidence.com
Read my answer to this letter:
______________________
Carlos, I’ve had a lot of experiences walking up and talking with women. Some good, some bad.
What I’m wondering is, how do I stay confident – no matter what?
It seems like my mood and my skills are always up and down. Some
nights I can walk up to any woman and say Hi, and other times I
can’t seem to make conversation with a blabbermouth.
Have you ever had this experience?
How do you keep your confidence up?
– John C.
Valdosta, GA.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Well, John, I’m here to tell you that what you’re talking about is something that a LOT of guys go through. Their level of confidence goes up and down all the time, and it can be hard to maintain consistency.
First of all, you have to recognize that there is the factor of moods. You can’t predict a bad mood, and you can’t avoid them. Sometimes you just won’t feel top-shelf.
That’s life.
The other variable in this is something we call “confidence.” It seems like sometimes you’ve got what you need, and other times you can’t seem to get it together.
But what really is “confidence”?
Something I’ve come to figure out over the years is that confidence doesn’t REALLY exist.
That’s right. There’s actually no such thing as “confidence.”
Now, I know this may throw a lot of guys for a loop.
I can hear you yelling at your computer: “What the #&$% is he talking about? Of course there’s confidence. We all know it.”
Hang on for a second and allow me to explain a bit first…
What many guys think of as “confidence” is really not a FEELING at all.
Think back to the last time you did something and remember feeling confident about it. Maybe it was going up on a mountain and snowboarding. Maybe it was running a marathon. Maybe it was going up and talking to a woman.
Whatever that event was where you felt this confidence, if you really let yourself go back in time in your head, and you think about what kind of experience you were going through right then, you’ll realize that you weren’t really FEELING anything at all.
You were just DOING it.
What we think of as “confidence” is really just the ABSENCE of our usual self-doubts, fear, and anxiety that we feel when we do something unfamiliar.
Let’s say you’re a snowboarder…
Early on, when you haven’t been snowboarding much, your head is full of all the static and chatter of your internal doubts.
“You’re going to fall on your face…”
“It’s going to be difficult…”
“You’re going to spend the day sliding down on your ass…”
“You’re going to look dumb…”
The more we DO that thing, the less we tell ourselves these negative messages, and the MORE we just forget that we ever had any doubts.
I remember back when I first started snowboarding that I was a complete train wreck. But I kept going back and getting better and better, and the feeling of hesitation and doubt eventually disappeared.
I really didn’t get confident as much as I got rid of all that crap in my head.
In fact, if you ask any top performer what they’re feeling when they perform, they’ll just tell you that they just get out there and DO IT. They’re too busy experiencing it – not thinking about how confident they are, even though they look so darn confident doing what it is they do.
But in the early part of learning something new, all that negative self-talk creates a lot of doubt and uncertainty in your head. And you know deep inside that if you could just get rid of that feeling, you’d feel CONFIDENT.
And THAT is what “confidence” actually is…
The LACK of uncertainty, doubt, hesitation, fear, and worry that we push into our head.
So when you ask me about how to get more consistent with your game, I want you to remember that you might not always be able to bring your A-game when it comes to talking with women.
But if you just go in and DO it, you’ll find that you will leave more and more of those negative thoughts and feelings behind, and the “static” will disappear. You’ll think you’re more confident, but you’re really just not indulging in old destructive thought patterns.
Pickup techniques and lines don’t really boost your confidence. You just believe it will help you because of the last guy who used it successfully ( – so they said). That’s why I teach you how to win the inner game of confidence first, because women can smell how much you really believe what you’re saying.
Your confidence comes to you when you stop listening to all the chatter that tries to undermine your will and positive attitude.
One step you can do right now to improve is to get in touch with your physical presence as a way of “grounding” your mind in the here and now.
You see, a lot of guys live a very active mental life.
This can be both good and bad. For most guys who are out there trying to work up the “confidence” to approach women and talk to women, it’s very very BAD.
The reason is that they are so up in their heads and caught in their own thoughts that they literally disconnect from their bodies. And when you stop being intimately “in your own skin,” you start to exhibit some strange body language, and you lack that feeling of being THERE.
It sounds a bit new-agey, but it’s very practical.
Every day, you should start off with a short meditation of some kind.
Here’s a simple one you can do: Just sit in a chair with your hands in your lap. Breathe in and out, 3 seconds to inhale, 6 seconds to exhale. With each breath, focus on being aware of your own body, with each limb. Work your way up and down your entire body, keeping your mind as calm and blank as possible.
This exercise can be as short as just a minute or so, and then you can work your way to longer time periods.
Your goal is to really feel yourself in the here-and-now rather than lose yourself in the “what ifs” that your anxious mind will throw you into.
Remember, confidence comes not from thinking your way into it, but from NOT thinking your way.
The concepts that I’ve just discussed are part of what I consider to be a big part of the “Inner Game” of dating success.
Most guys spend almost NO time working on their Inner Game and confidence … instead, they spend time learning “pick up lines” and other USELESS fluff.
If you don’t have your “Inner Game” together, none of the “techniques and tricks” will work for you. Women can see right through them.
Once you get the right mind-set, the world suddenly seems like a different place to you.
In my Secrets of the Alpha Man program, I spend several HOURS teaching you Inner Game AND Outer Game techniques for driving up attraction with women to a level that no woman can ignore.
I’ll show you how to overcome your self-limiting beliefs, improve your self-confidence and self-esteem… (by getting rid of that bad mental “static) and get past the fears that are holding you back from even TRYING to go out and meet women.
If you’re like me, and you’ve had a lot of negative programming about women, masculinity, and how to really create massive attraction with a woman, then you MUST get this stuff taken care of.
It’s not going to fix itself… YOU have to do it.
And my program will show you EXACTLY how.
Oh… and it will also teach you TONS of great “field” methods for approaching women, talking to women – keeping the conversation going – getting dates, meeting women online, and taking things as far as you want to go – smoothly and easily… without rejection.
The Alpha Man knows that self-development is the path to a better life. It all starts with getting EDUCATED.
Education leads to understanding. Understanding leads to better choices. Better choices lead to better results.
And results are ALL that matters when it comes to the game of women.
It’s all in my Secrets of the Alpha Man program.
Get it here:
I’ll talk to you again soon,
Your Friend,
– Carlos Xuma
PS: And if you need to know how to overcome your fears so that you can walk up and talk to ANY woman, here is something you need to see.
Follow this link:
