QUESTION ABOUT SOCIAL SKILLS
I recently made a list of the social situations I found most uncomfortable. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but it makes me feel totally average when someone asks, “How are you?” and I can’t think of anything interesting to respond with.
Every once in a while, I hear a great response and steal it, but I need more, so that I can stand out with my answer. I’m not a run-of-the-mill man, so why give run-of-the-mill responses? I feel like these moments – the “How’s it going?” moments – are a great opportunity to make people laugh (especially women) and make an impression.
So, can you or your team offer a resource, or direct me to one, so I can stop fearing that almost un-answerable question, “What’s up?”? It would be greatly appreciated (I’m stuck in Iraq and have used up all my clever responses).
Your Student,
Cory
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Well, I’m assuming you must be one of our proud forces over there in Iraq… For that, I salute you and your service.
As for a response to people when you’re greeting them, I used to say things like:
“I’m contemplating the universe. How about you?”
or
“I’m doing great. Any better, I’d be guilty.”
or, as my friend John says:
“I’m doing fantastic. Any better and I’d have to be two people.”
It’s good that you’re trying to find a way to establish your unique perspective and presentation.
When you become more socially aware, you start to have more insights into even the most subtle of interactions with people. Now, most of the time this is good, but you have to be careful not to let these observations become an excuse to get caught up in your head.
What you’re talking about is something that a lot of fiction writers go through when they learn “attribution.”
I’ll explain…
You see in books, the dialogue has to let the reader know who is talking so they can keep track of things.
“How’s it going?” Tim asked.
“Pretty decent,” she said.
“That’s good,” he said.
And this goes back and forth.
Now a lot of newbie writers think that just because THEY are aware that they just wrote “he said” or “John said” a bunch of times that the reader is going to get really tired of this. So they start writing all sorts of lame variations on “he said,” like “he yelped,” or “she whined,” or “he replied.”
Not so.
You see, as a reader, you just EXPECT these attributions to be a part of the dialogue. And a dozen of them in a row really doesn’t even stand out, because the reader is just absorbing the dialogue, not analyzing to make sure you’re saying “he cried out” or “she yelled” as a variation. Your mind just blips right over the attribution.
You don’t notice it because you’re paying attention to what is being said next.
Make sense? Good.
So what does this have to do with your question?
Well, when you spend a lot of time focused on the wrong part of the conversation – in this case, trying to stand out with a different answer to “What’s up?” every time – you miss the point.
You should actually be working on coming up with your own unique signature greeting that you use most of the time, and then focus on the important part of the conversation: What is being said NEXT.
This is far more important than being concerned about something that no one else is thinking about but you.
It’s true. You may feel lame, but you’re just being overly self-conscious.
You are taking on the correct attitude, though, by feeling like you’re not a run-of-the-mill guy. Now apply that to the rest of the conversation – where your uniqueness should really stand out.
Don’t get bogged down in the fine points.
Think about how you can show this person – or reflect it with your actions – that you’re not just an average guy.
How can you say it without saying it?
For one, you can choose to just look back at them, wink, and give a thumbs up as you nod and smile.
What does that say beyond the words?
Or you can look over each shoulder, as if you’re checking to make sure no one is looking, and then you whisper – “Wait for the movie to come out…”
Or you can look them in the eyes and connect to them, and then just say, “Forget about me, how are YOU doing?”
I use that a lot because it really establishes a quick sense of rapport and caring from me to the other person, and they’re usually amazed that anyone would actually say this to them.
Because – as selfish as it sounds – that’s really what the other person cares most about anyway.
– Carlos Xuma
