Question & Answer With Carlos

QUESTION:
I am 30 yrs old and just out of a divorce. It is time to move on and find a woman I can share my heart with. My problem is I have NO self confidence and I am extremely shy in social situations. I cant just walk up to a woman and “buy her a drink” and just start talking.

A few weeks ago I was sitting next to a this woman on a plane and we had a great conversation the entire flight. Well, like an idiot I didn’t even attempt to get her number, but I did find out her name and where she works.

My question is, in trying to get in touch with this woman, would it be better to stop by her place of employment or give her a quick phone call to see about getting together for drinks?

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CARLOS ANSWERS:

First of all, I need to point out a new way for you guys to look at asking women for their number or contact information. In your situation, after not asking her and wishing you had, you understand how important it is to get the number when you’re talking to her. You got lucky that you had enough information to find her later.

What typically happens is that you’d be kicking yourself for weeks over not getting her number. And that is far more painful than any possible rejection you might have been imagining when you talked yourself out of asking for it in the first place.

Don’t forget that pain of regret, because that’s your fuel – your energy – to change old habits into new. NEXT time you’ll get that number if you remember the pain of missing the opportunity the first time. Think of it as a mental kick in the butt.

As for your Airplane Babe, well you can go after her, but you have to be very cautious. It’s creepy for a guy to track down a woman like this, because it appears a bit “stalker-ish.” 

That is, unless he communicates his confidence with his persistence. If you do that, then she’ll be impressed and attracted.

Don’t “stop by.” Far too weird. Instead, give her a quick call and just say, “Hey, I remembered you from the plane trip, and I thought you might be cool to hang out with. I’m going to Delaney’s Pub on Thursday. Join me there. We’ll get a drink and talk some more, that is, if you’ve got any good conversation left in you.” (Note the slight tease at the end.)

You see, this communicates to her that you’re not desperate (and this is SO important). You’re not asking her, you’re TELLING her, which communicates confidence. And you’re already going to this pub, so she’s just joining you in your already exciting life.

That’s attractive to a woman, and it communicates all the right things about you. You’ve got your life together, and you’re looking to add to it.

Now, you also mentioned your shyness, and isn’t it ironic how so many shy guys feel lonely, and yet there’s so MANY of them out there?

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can and will get out there and be a stud again. Just don’t hurry the process. You’re recently divorced, so you don’t need to be in any hurry to jump into another relationship. Being 30 and single is no big deal these days, so don’t worry about the clock ticking on you. What will pressure you most is that you don’t feel like you have the SKILLS to attract women, so you will want to “lock something down” really fast when it comes along.

This is the scarcity mentality that you must avoid at all costs.

I already see some danger signs in what you said about finding a woman to “share your heart with.” That’s needy-speak, and it indicates that you’re in shock of being thrown back to being alone.

Just get out there, get experience, and get comfortable being ALONE first. Then you can convey the right attitude that will attract women later on. If you don’t lean back and get relaxed with your lifestyle, you’ll communicate a nervous desperation that will undermine all your future attempts.

Your confidence has been shaken by the end of your marriage, but you can’t let that hurry you into something that will hurt you later on. Use this time to get your life into ship-shape. Get exercising, if you haven’t already. Get a few new hobbies. Create a life that a woman will want to participate in.

And you’ll find that your shyness will fade as soon as you discover that you’ve got nothing to fear out there. When you know you’ll be fine alone is when you’ll find (and keep) another.