Question & Answer with Carlos

QUESTION: “Why the hell is she doing this?” 

Carlos, my buddy, Craig, and I were over in a bar here in Oakland and we ran into a “situation.”

There’s this girl I see there a lot, named Rita. She’s always there with her friend Connie. Now, Rita’s great and fun and cool. I’ve been working up to getting her out alone with me for a while so I can work a little of the Xuma “magic” on her…  🙂 

But the trouble comes in when Connie starts blocking me. I’ve even had Craig help me out by running defense on this one, and she always manages to break through and c**k-block me. 

I mean, I hate that we have to play these games, and it seems so annoying and pointless. 

Why the hell is she doing this? 

And how do I get her to quit it? 

I know from what you’ve taught that getting all aggro on her is a BAD idea, but I don’t know what to do about her.

Thanks, man…

______________________

CARLOS XUMA EXPLAINS SOCIAL GAMES: 

Your letter reminded me of that scene in “SuperBad” where “McLovin” is in the bedroom and the cop is apologizing for blocking his c***. Very funny… 

But not so funny when it happens in real life, huh? 

The reasons a woman does this sort of thing are MANY. In fact, she does this for a lot of the same reasons that guys do it. 

In fact, a lot of guys are blocking you now, but you might not even realize it. I had a friend that promised to help run defense the way yours did, but I found out later he was actually helping her to stop me. 

The fact of the matter is that in any social situation, we all have  motives. Some of us are looking to get appreciation. Some are looking to “score.” Some are looking to feel better about themselves by ruining it for other people. 

And most of these people really feel they’re doing the “good” thing for the other person. 

You see, no one thinks they’re ever doing anything purposely “evil” or “bad.” Even the worst people in history – like Stalin, or Saddam, – thought they were doing the “right” thing for themselves. 

And games sometimes seem like this, too. 

At first, this whole topic of game-playing seems really negative, doesn’t it? 

I had a guy write in after he saw a previous newsletter I wrote about guys and women playing games with each other, and he was asking if it’s really like this out there. It seemed a bit “cut-throat.” 

I started to see his point. It felt a bit negative. 

I mean, is everyone really out to GET you? To “play” you and manipulate you?

The reality is … NO.

Well, MAYBE no. 

They’re not doing it in the spirit of being mean and nasty and self-centered.

But the reality is that we ALWAYS act out of selfish drives and desires. It’s impossible NOT to act from them, because we always act to further our own interests. 

Some people argue that when a person does a selfless act of charity, like work with the poor or starving, that they are doing it for someone else.

Well, they are, but the fact is that they’re ALSO getting something from it. Even when someone hires a dominatrix to whip them and degrade them, they’re still trying to get a need met. (It’s just not the need a lot of other people see themselves wanting to get met, so we can’t relate.) 

Mother Theresa was a saint, and she devoted her life to help people less fortunate. AND she also got a lot of joy and happiness in doing it. 

So without getting too philosophical here, let’s just remember that we aren’t playing games with people to be mean or evil. We’re doing it to get a need met that we don’t know how to get any other way.

To a person playing a social game, it seems like the SHORTEST path to what they want or where they want to get to. 

For this girl Connie who is blocking you, she is probably jealous of your interest in her friend (she might have a crush on you… or even HER.)

This game of getting in the way is the quickest way for her to get to her goal.

For example, when I was selling financial services, I didn’t have a whole lot of sales skills. Very few, in fact. So I had to resort to some dumb tricks to get the sale. 

ME: “Would you like to start your mutual fund program now, or on the 15th?”

There’s a classic salesman pitch. The old “Yes/Yes” scenario. Either way they answer, they have to move forward, right? 

And if you know your prospect is very meek and timid, it’s unlikely they’ll say, “Hey, wait a minute – I never agreed to start this mutual fund program…” 

But we all see it for what it is, we just don’t know how to react to it. 

Maybe this one sounds familiar: “Do you want to go out Wednesday or

Thursday night?” 

Or this: “Hey, buy me a drink…”

 Or this: “I want to tell you how I feel about you…”

Another game, different players.

But the best skills come from a core of understanding these kinds of social and dating games, and knowing EXACTLY how to get past them. 

That’s why you have to see them coming and know how to handle them. 

I’m a big believer that the guys who have the most success with women are the ones that know how to handle most SOCIAL situations, too. 

They aren’t good with women because they’re GOOD with women.

They’re good with women because they’re good with PEOPLE in general. 

That’s what you can get when you learn Power Social Skills. You’ll have the ability to see through the surface of any conversation to the motives beneath it, and you will never be tooled again… 

– Carlos Xuma

http://www.powersocialskills.com