Q&A: Carlos Explains Social Games
QUESTION:
Hey Carlos,
I’ve been going out the last few weeks and meeting people as a way to improve my social ability. I try to get out at least two times a week to meet new people, get some phone numbers, meet new women, etc.
Something I’ve noticed is that there is a lot more going on in conversations than just the words. I mean, when I’m talking with people (men, women, whoever) I find that they are always playing this kind of tug-of-war with me for control in the conversation.
Women like to play it for certain things, and guys want to play it for power and status.
What’s your take on this?
Can I get past the games?
– J
California
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CARLOS XUMA EXPLAINS SOCIAL GAMES:
You know, if there’s one thing I hear all the time, from both men AND women, it’s “Why do we have to play all the games?!?”
And you’re right, men and women both play different kinds of games with others. But surprisingly, they both want and need a certain level of “ego-stroking” in their games.
The reasons we play games are nearly infinite, but they all track back to some very common needs as human beings.
For one, we all need APPRECIATION.
Think of how much work you go through in life just to squeak out a little appreciation or acknowledgment from other people.
It’s really amazing when you think about it.
And the funny thing is that we all want this appreciation so much that we hold it back from others, because WE are so starved for it.
And then what does this do? Yep, that’s right. It creates this universal shortage in the amount of pats on the back or compliments given out there in the world.
And the less there is, the less people give, and the spiral goes down and down and down….
And THAT right there is a game all of its own. Have you ever caught yourself playing that game? I know I have.
You may already know that I’m a martial arts instructor, and we are known for being critical and very stingy with praise.
In fact, there’s a joke about it that goes like this:
Q: How many martial arts teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in, and four to tell him how he’s doing it wrong.
(You guys that take martial arts will probably relate to that one quite well…)
These games we play all come from our inner needs and emotional desires. And sometimes games just come up because of the differences in approach between people.
– Some people are confrontational… but most are not.
– Some people like to talk about themselves… but some prefer to be more discreet.
– Some people like to approach women directly… and some prefer to do it more indirectly and cautiously.
There are good social games, and there are unhealthy and BAD social games.
Now, as far as social games are concerned, there’s one thing I’ve noticed as being true in almost EVERY interaction I’ve studied.
In fact it’s pretty much a universal rule, and one that’s been backed up by studies everywhere…
It’s this:
The person with the best social skills and ability to handle social games is the person who typically gets what they want.
AND that person is also the one who gets more success in life
in all the ways we typically think of as “REAL” success.
More happiness, more friends, better love life…
It flows together because there is one thing that is FOR SURE:
You MUST deal with other people. And you can’t reprogram them to turn their “game playing” switch off.
So you must develop options.
And even though it may not seem like it at first, dating skills and attracting women is a META skill. That means that what most guys are not seeing as a particular skill to develop is actually the union of all the confident skills they have in their life.
In order to be attractive to women, you have to be skilled socially, and know how the games are played…
– Carlos Xuma
