Question & Answer with Carlos
Hey Carlos!
Thanks for writing the Dating Black Book. It is very well written and I’m on page 400.
However, my experience is this: I see an attractive woman and I get this serious attitude. This is a person an individual that should be respected as such. Trying to be “cocky” or funny seems like a good idea or teasing her seems inappropriate.
Why does this work and why should they respect such an approach?
From Richard in Greenbelt, MD.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Let’s follow my usual 2-prong approach to understanding this question from the inside out.
First of all, there’s an inner game side to this and an outer game side to it.
INNER GAME EXPLANATION:
When you first encounter teachings like my “tease to please” concept, the first thing your mind will do is try to stop you from doing it.
1) Because it’s different than what you’re used to, and that’s human nature to resist change.
2) Because your “nice guy” identity is suddenly being challenged.
This is a big one.
You see, whenever you come up against your own sense of what is “appropriate” or not, you are probably running up against your own shame.
That’s right.
SHAME.
You see, when you were a kid, you were made to feel guilty and feel less acceptance of yourself if you “offended” or “made” other people not accept you. This is the most common of all self-esteem killers, and yet no one talks about it.
You have to understand that as well-meaning as the people were around you, you got into a dangerous game of “I gotta make people accept and like me.” You did this because it’s only natural for people to want to be accepted as part of the group.
But when you place MORE importance on other people’s concept of you, you run into a situation where you never control your own self-confidence.
Remember what I say: NEVER give someone else the power to make you feel good about yourself. They don’t have the right or the skills.
And it’s for this reason – that you feel this inner sense of “uh-oh, this might not be ‘appropriate’ to say to her” – that you MUST actually do it.
Because even if she isn’t completely blown away by your approach, you’ll still be sending the right message to your subconscious mind that says “I’m a strong man who doesn’t need other people to approve of me.”
OUTER GAME EXPLANATION:
The reason that this technique of teasing works is because of several psychological factors:
1) By doing something socially “risky,” you’re telling her with your attitude that you’re not another “nice guy” suck-up looking for everyone’s approval.
2) By challenging her a little, you set up a positive sexual charge between you and her.
This is called sexual tension, and it’s the one thing that most of the “nice guys” never do because they are afraid of disapproval.
But without TENSION – good tension – between you and a woman, there is no charge and no ATTRACTION.
It’s the same reason that a battery works. There is a part of the battery that is desperate to get the charge from the other side, and when they’re connected, you get heat – or light – or a text on your cell phone.
When everyone is neutral and nice, we’re all bored to freakin’ DEATH.
She’ll respect this approach simply because you are showing something I call SINGULAR ALPHA INDEPENDENCE.
That means that you can stand alone and strong on your own.
And to a woman, this is one of the most attractive things to her.
If you want to learn more about this concept and how to attract women, I suggest you get busy learning my rules of Alpha Man Confidence…
– Carlos Xuma
