Question & Answer with Carlos
QUESTION:
Carlos, I’ve been reading your information for little while now, and I’m really excited about getting this part of my life handled. I have a question that I’d like to ask about the logistics of dating.
I asked a girl I know out, and she accepted. The problem was, I didn’t have any clue where to take her.
Where should a guy take a girl out on a date?
– Nieman, Ottawa Falls
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
This is one of the questions I get quite frequently, and I think it’s because guys suspect on some level that taking a woman on a traditional “date” is not the best way to create attraction with a woman.
Look, the reality is that guys have been sold a bogus product when it comes to the whole “buy her flowers and dinner” crap. This method just DOES NOT WORK.
Here’s why…
By starting off with a “Let me buy you something” frame right at the start, you’ve just created the worst starting point for a relationship.
What you’re communicating is this: “I’m not really good enough for you, so I’ll resort to bribery and cheap tricks to sneak past your radar and get you to think I’ve got real value to offer you.”
Remember when you were younger, and some other kid tried to buy his way into being your friend? You could smell the desperation and insecurity – and it repulsed you.
It’s even worse for a woman to sense this from a guy.
So why do guys still do this flowers-and-dinner program, even though it doesn’t work?
First off, it’s the option that takes the least amount of effort and thinking on a guy’s part.
And, occasionally, it DOES work, but not in the way that you think. You see, if a woman does not have very many prospects herself, or is stuck in her own “Disney Programming” as I call it, where she’s waiting for her knight in shining denim to come sweep her off her feet, she’ll fall for it.
Hey, women spend a lot of time fantasizing about what their ideal man and relationship will be, and she got a lot of her ideas about dating from those fairy tales.
But high-quality women who are attractive on all levels do not lack for attention, and they see this kind of “buy her flowers” behavior all the time from guys.
And it ALWAYS runs out of gas somewhere around the third date or so, when she’s wondering if you’ve got the stones to be a MAN for her. She can see this program start before you even put the disc in the drive, my man. That’s why they almost always end with a “let’s just be friends” from her.
She wants to know…
Will you be able to make her FEEL good?
Will you be able to show her some FUN?
Will you be able to take the lead and CREATE interesting experiences and adventures for the two of you?
Women don’t want gifts.
They want EXPERIENCES.
They want to be swept away in an exciting storyline, where she’s part of something fantastic and cool.
So let’s get back to your question…
When it comes to dates, I say that you shouldn’t go on “dates.”
The very word brings to mind a bunch of pre-programmed behavior that usually ends with you dropping a woman off and hoping you’ll get lucky.
Alpha Men never play to get lucky.
It’s not about probability. It’s about ACTION and RESULTS.
And if you have the right system, it’s all predictable, my Alpha Brother.
Here’s what you do when you go out with a woman…
Think: FUN.
What could you two do that would leave her so thrilled that she’d tell all her friends the next day about this “incredible guy” she just met…?
Reverse-engineer the excitement.
Think of the result you want to achieve, and work backwards to figure it out.
Here’s one of the things I like doing:
I invite her along on a shopping “adventure.” I tell her that there are some stores that we’re going to go find that were voted the “Best of the Bay,” and we’re going to go see what weird stuff they have. (They actually print this in a local newspaper here every year, and there are hundreds of places to go.)
This idea is cool because, well hey, it’s shopping (I’m not likely to buy anything from the stores), and it’s fun because it’s an adventure. We don’t know where we’ll end up.
And honestly, that’s probably my least creative meeting idea.
I could also take her on an exploration of some excellent hiking trail. Or we’ll do a scavenger hunt, looking to find things to make a weird modern sculpture.
The date should cost just about nothing, and it more than makes up for any lack of gift-giving in electric CHEMISTRY that you create from the sheer fun of the event.
You’re not just taking her out to ask her where she works, what she does, where she’s from… yaaaaawwwwwwnnnnn….
You’re taking her out of her boring life and showing her a fun time that she won’t soon forget. And that’s all that any woman wants. Doubt it? ASK her.
Then you can do the dinner thing later on, some other time, once you’ve figured out whether this girl is someone appropriate to allow into your life.
Remember, a “date” is not an event where you’re “proving yourself” to the woman. That’s the old program. That’s SO 20th century.
This is your ADVENTURE, where you get to see if this girl is cool enough to add to your lifestyle, and deserves to experience what you have to offer.
You need to start thinking “Does she qualify?” instead of “How can I GET her…”
This difference in thinking is what separates the average guy from the Alpha Man, it’s the next step to incredible success with women.
Carlos Xuma
