Question & Answer with Carlos
Hey Carlos,
Thanks for your great emails and content.
A woman friend of mine, who is married, was telling me that when women offer to pay their share for something, they are actually testing men to see how cheap we are.
Now, I don’t think in such a twisted manner, but what is the alpha way to respond to this kind of test?
Cheers
Eddie
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Well, Eddie, your friend is partly right, and partly wrong, as you figured out. I’m glad to hear that you’re not buying into that kind of jaded thinking.
SOME women do offer just to see if the guy is cheap, but that’s not entirely accurate. Not every woman is so coldly calculating.
The reality is this:
It’s a dance.
When the check comes, women have a lot of mixed feelings about how to handle it.
Does she just assume you’re going to pay for it?
Or would that be rude?
If she’s really going to test you to see how “cheap” you are, she’d be one of those women we probably want to watch very closely. She might have that bitter edge that just wants to test and poke and prod the guy she’s with because she isn’t emotionally capable of just going with the flow.
This kind of testing is a sign of control issues and a closed heart.
(Rigidity and structured behavior is often a sign of some underlying emotional problems. I should know – I was like this for YEARS.)
What she’s doing is being polite, and she’ll put the offer out there so you don’t think she’s a gold-digging bitch.
(I’ve had quite a few of those over the years. Some women feel entitled to be bought meals, and entitlement gets you a kick in the ass out the door of my life.)
She probably does expect on some level that you pay, but not in a demanding and heartless way. It’s simply a man’s job to demonstrate that can take care of her. Even if she’s the president of a bank, she’ll want to feel this kind of safety in a man’s presence.
Now everyone wants to know how an Alpha Man would handle this, right?
Well, the best way I’ve found to handle this situation is really pretty simple.
When the check comes, I let it sit there for a few minutes to see how SHE handles it. I believe that for all the judging, testing, and analyzing a woman does of me, I could take this small moment and sit back to see what SHE is made of.
But I just want to give her the opportunity to offer to chip in. If she doesn’t offer, I’ll make a note of it (but not dismiss her).
Then – whether she does or she doesn’t offer – I just say: “Here, I’ll get this one. You can chip in on the next one, right?”
And I watch her reaction. If it’s excitement and happiness that I’m making a slight reference to the possibility of getting together in the future, I know things are probably going well.
Any other reaction is cause to pause.
By the way, if the woman insists on paying her share, that’s a very clear message. It’s saying, “I don’t want to feel obligated to you,” and you should consider this a sign.
Remember that a first “date” is mostly an exploration. A fact-finding mission to learn as much as you can so you can make a decision about her. A chance to see if the other person has what it takes to be a part of your world.
It is NOT the place to desperately seek your next lay or your possible wife.
I’ll tell you right now, I have HIGH standards on who gets to share in my reality and fun.
If you have the same criteria, you’ll find that your love life will improve in quality 1000%.
A woman is an interpreting machine, observing your actions, reactions, and making passive decisions about who you are and whether or not she wants you.
You should be doing the same for yourself.
I’m not endorsing selfishness. I’m promoting an educated and safe attitude toward your dating life and emotional well-being.
And that, my Alpha Brothers, is ALWAYS smart.
– Carlos Xuma
