Question & Answer with Carlos
QUESTION:
Hey Carlos,
I really have been trying to work on my attitude and mind-set, but it is hard at times. I usually just try to talk positively to myself and repeat affirmations that I want to come true. I meditate a lot and think about the me that I want to become.
However, I want to really develop the attitude of “I DONT CARE WHAT SHE THINKS ABOUT ME“. At times, I catch myself caring a little too much about what people think about me, and I get mad at myself. I say things like “Why are you thinking like this?”, or “Come on, man, stop”.
My question to you is how do I develop this attitude? What things can I do to really ingrain this attitude within me. I want to come to a point where I TRULY don’t give a damn what people think about me. What steps can I take to make that change happen?
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Well, first of all, let’s be completely realistic here: Everyone cares what other people think to a certain degree. It’s human nature.
If you didn’t care at all what other people think, you’d be a complete sociopath and you’d be better off in an institution or prison somewhere.
When it comes to women, though, most every one of you guys care TOO MUCH what women think.
Why is this?
Because you care about what your MOM thinks of you. Yes, your mom.
We learned our approval-seeking behavior from our childhood, not wanting mommy to be mad at us. Think about all the things you would do to get her to be happy with you, or to just not be angry.
The question is, how much have you (or any guy) grown up and moved away from this childish need for approval?
If you feel good enough about yourself, the opinions of others matter less and less. And, the reverse is true – If you don’t feel very good about yourself, the opinions of others matter a whole lot.
Negative thinking will sink your ship faster than a hundred torpedoes. And thoughts are the one thing that most guys don’t know how to control.
Thought control is the highest form of self-discipline a man can aspire to. It’s the primary achievement for the Alpha Man. To control your thoughts, and in the right manner, gives you the ultimate freedom. And the ULTIMATE POWER.
The power to control your life, and your destiny.
I’m not trying to sound like some kind of flaky self-help guru here, but it’s true. Everything man-made that you see around you began as a thought in someone’s head. That thought turned to feelings, which then turned to actions, which then became RESULTS.
Cars. Buildings. Space probes. This magazine you’re holding.
Even skimpy g-strings you see riding up out the back of a woman’s jeans.
Everything man-made in this world started out as a thought in somebody’s mind.
Yet, the sad fact is that we will go to any lengths to avoid THINKING. Or even trying to control our thinking. A guy will become a buff, 220 pound mass of muscle and stamina through physical discipline at the gym, but he will go through ANY amount of effort to avoid working his MENTAL muscle, even though it requires the least amount of physical energy.
Take it from me, guys. I know what negative thinking can do to a person. I grew up in a household where my father was verbally abusive and a STRICT disciplinarian. (By today’s standards, it would have been considered child abuse, but back then it was just a traditional Italian upbringing.) I struggled for YEARS with a very low self-opinion. Girls wanted to sleep with me, but I was too down on myself to see the opportunities.
Once I cleaned up my stinkin’ thinkin’, the world got a whole lot brighter. And then women were a lot more into me because I gave off a POSITIVE aura.
The one thing every man must avoid, however, is NEGATIVE reinforcement. Yes, scolding yourself and getting a little mad is a necessary step in the process of realizing that your actions are your own, and YOU are the one who needs to change them. You have to get a bit PISSED OFF at yourself once or twice to find the motivation to change.
After you find that motivation, then you must be willing to take a more emotionally detached standpoint. In other words, get a little disgusted that you’re not getting the results you want, but don’t reinforce a negative opinion of yourself in the process.
Don’t tell yourself “Oh, what’s the use, you’ll never change…” Or, “You’re screwing it up again!”
Instead, your internal dialogue goes like this:
“What the heck happened there? Okay, that definitely was NOT what I wanted. So what did I do wrong…? Okay, now what did I get right? Now what am I going to do different NEXT time…? Okay, now that event is over, I’ve learned from it, and it’s time to let it go and move on. NEXT.”
You see how that’s a PROBLEM SOLVING dialogue, not a “You’re a complete idiot” dialogue?
I use this all the time when I train kids in Karate. If they step out of line the wrong way, I’m going to get a bit angry. But after I’ve corrected you, and I’ve shown you the correct path, all is forgiven. That is how behavior is effectively corrected with discipline.
The biggest difference here are the QUESTIONS you ask yourself in that internal mental conversation. Are you asking yourself why you’re such a chump? Or are you asking yourself how you can do better?
One of those questions has the seeds of greatness in it. The other has the seeds of sour apples and negativity.
The choice is yours.
