Question & Answer with Carlos

QUESTION: 

Hey, Carlos, I just got your Dating Black Book, and I’m amazed at the insight you’ve put in it. 

I need to ask you something: I’ve been trying a bunch of techniques to seduce women I meet at bars and parties. I’ve been using something called “cocky and funny” that I heard about. I understand you have a variation on this technique called: “Tease to Please…”

What is it and why is it different than cocky and funny? 

– Dave K.

Chicago, IL

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 CARLOS ANSWERS: 

Well, the long and short of it is that a lot of guys are using things they’ve heard about on the Internet and in a book called “The Game.” (I spoke at Neil’s book signing here in San Francisco back in 2005.) 

These techniques for developing attraction are all great to have and use, and are based on psychological principles that do work by playing on our sense of scarcity and innate value. 

The reality is that these tactics (which I also discuss and teach) must be based on a firm foundation of CONFIDENCE. So the best techniques in the world will do you absolutely NO GOOD if you can’t demonstrate a firm sense of confidence in the conversation. 

When you put up a fake front, it’s like trying to pass a bad check to a woman. She will try to cash it, and when it bounces because there’s no real confidence in the account, she’s going elsewhere to bank. Trust me, I went through this all the time before I figured out that there is no getting around the need for good self-esteem. 

Now, you refer to the technique of being a little cocky and funny with a woman, which is very good at getting women excited and attracted to you, but there’s a shortcoming to this method. Most guys just don’t have enough funny to offset the cocky, and they come across as arrogant. 

What I suggest guys do is be a little more teasing, instead. As long as you do it in playful and fun ways, it has the same effect, and you don’t come across as an arrogant fool. 

Example of poorly calibrated cockiness: 

HIM: “Yeah, I know you want me. But you’ll have to wait your turn. There’s so many women here dying to get with me…”

HER: “Think a lot of yourself, don’t you?” 

Oooookay, any guesses as to why that one didn’t work? 

Usually it’s because 1) the guy doesn’t deliver it with enough of a “wink” in his voice to offset the message, or 2) he seems too uneasy and insecure – which makes what he said too incongruent with his personality. 

Either way, he loses. She looks at him like a bug, and promptly swats him away. 

Example of well-calibrated teasing: 

HIM: “Oh no. You’re one of those girls.”

HER: “What kind of girls?”

HIM: “The kind that drinks chick drinks ending in ‘tini,’ like ‘apple-tini’ or ‘strawberry-tini.’ I just don’t know if I can stand the social embarrassment.”

HER: (Playful slap on the arm…) “Stop!” 

You see the difference? If you think in terms of playful teasing, you’ll elicit a better reaction from her. If you try too hard to be “cocky,” chances are you’ll mis-calibrate and come across as a bit of a dick. 

So think “tease” … and you’re more likely to please…. 

– Carlos Xuma

http://www.datingdynamics.com