Question From A Reader
I have a problem, quite a big one in my opinion.
Well where shall I start, a few months ago I met this girl at college, she’s smart, funny and I feel we connected. We gradually became better friends and we spend a lot of time together and over the past few weeks I suspected that she may have some feelings for me (I did too).
Feeling quite confident about this looking at the way she acted around me I thought on New Years Eve I would try and tell her how I felt and see if I was right in thinking she felt the same way.
Here’s the bit that destroyed me: All night she was getting quite friendly with one of my friends and she was spending most of her time next to him. So, stupidly as I was a little drunk I took her into a quiet room and told her how I felt. I have to say I was expecting a little more reaction, she didn’t really say anything back, and eventually just went back and sat with my friend.
I was devastated at this. I kept telling myself that it was different this time, I wasn’t wrong. But I was, I feel depressed about it Carlos I really thought she liked me in that way.
So where do I go from here, I mean, do I continue to try and express my feelings, and how? Or do I quit now, and keep my friendship the way it is.
She’s one of my best friends and I love her, I’m so scared of losing her as a friend, I just, for once in my life want something more out of it.
Please Carlos, I really need some advice from an expert like you.
Thanks a lot
A. – in the U.K.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Well, my friend, you came to the right place.
First of all, you know where your mistake was, don’t you?
Let me replay your words:
“I took her into a quiet room and told her how I felt…”
Guys everywhere are saying, “OOOH… Big mistake” and shaking their heads.
Especially me.
The one sure-fire way to kill attraction with a woman is to talk to her about your feelings. It’s the ultimate buzz-kill.
Why?
Imagine that you’re sitting there watching a movie. It’s a really good mystery. You’re keeping track of all the clues, and you’re getting close to the end. Right then, your roommate walks in and says, “Oh, the guy’s wife killed her.” And he goes to the kitchen.
How would you feel?
Probably like stomping on his head.
We humans ENJOY the build up of tension. What ruins it for us is to have the mystery destroyed. We don’t want everything explained and understood.
That’s why I hate this new show on cable that shows you how all the magic tricks are done. I don’t WANT to know how they’re done…! That’s why I like watching magic shows. I know they’re tricks, but I like not knowing.
This is exactly what your girl experienced when you told her your feelings. You probably thought she’d just jump into your arms, relieved to find out that she liked you, too. But what telling her your feelings does is remove all the mystery and uncertainty from the situation…
And that’s what creates attraction and romantic interest in the first place, my brother.
Second of all, I want you to promise me that you never make a move on a woman that you’re “so scared” of losing.
Why?
Because you’re setting yourself up in what I lovingly call a “double bind.” This means that if you’re scared of losing her friendship, that fear will taint any attempt you make to attract her.
You simply can’t have it both ways. You can’t walk the fence.
Fear of loss is one of the most deadly killers of a man’s game, because he will never act like a man who is living his life from ABUNDANCE and SECURITY.
Instead, he acts like he’s a wuss that’s scared of making people angry at him.
Think about it for a second… Think about any guy you know who is attractive and charismatic. Does this guy run around with a “Oh please oh please – I hope you like me!” attitude?
No. He doesn’t care if you like him or not – and THAT right there is why we’re attracted to those types of people. They communicate strength of spirit and confidence that is not shaken by other people’s opinion of them.
Really, take a second here and read that over again. It’s big and important that you understand this essential characteristic of men and how they communicate their Alpha Strength.
Third, if you do make a move on a woman that’s your friend, be willing to risk LOSING IT ALL.
This is the other side of that fear I just told you about. You have to be willing to lose what you’ve got to get something more.
Don’t be lured into that false sense of need where you try to play with “scared money.” That’s when you’re gambling, but you change your winning strategy because your emotions are jacking with your decisions.
You said that this “destroyed you…” No, I don’t think so. You just lack options.
From now on, no more emotional discussions with her. Women don’t need to know that you are interested in her or have feelings in her. All she cares is if SHE has them for you.
You can talk about your feelings later on, when you’ve got a relationship and you two are having wild monkey-love together. Until then, keep your mouth closed.
Next, make damn sure you’re out there meeting new women and forgetting your focus on this one woman. Obsession is the number 2 killer of relationships, and it’s the unhealthy focus on ONE woman.
It screams out: “I have no other options but you, which means no other women want me…” Which is a BIG red flag to women. They want a man with social value and confidence.
But I want to warn you about a problem I see coming up…
I think you might be falling into the Nice Guy trap.
You know how I can tell? From the tone of your email at the end. It sounds like you’re sobbing into a hankie, and you might go out and rent a bunch of chick flicks tonight while you sit home eating chocolates…
You need the antidote to cure you and rehabilitate you, and it’s called Alpha Attitude.
What is “Alpha Attitude?”
Well, think of it this way:
It’s the inner confidence of a man who knows he can create the kind of relationship he wants with a woman.
Have you ever seen an at-tractive woman on the street, and thought to yourself, “Man, I wish I knew what to walk over and say to her
so that she’d stop right there and really want to know more about ME.”
But then we usually disqualify ourselves in our head, thinking “What do I have that she’d want?”
The Alpha Attitude wipes all that self-doubt and fear away.
I explain the inner game mindset of the man who is confident and has women in his life all the time. I call him the Alpha Man.
You know this guy. Chances are, you wish you WERE this guy.
Being the kind of man that pulls women into his life – and keeps them – isn’t hard at all. It just involves learning a few new skills.
Stay Alpha…
– Carlos Xuma
