The Rule of Reciprocity – Part 1
I want to tell you about a situation a lot of my students have gone through with women. (I actually went through it myself, before I changed my old Beta ways and started approaching the dating game using an Alpha Rules mindset.)
This situation is regarding spending money on women – specifically for dates.
– How much is enough?
– How much is too much?
– Should you spend as little as possible until you’ve sealed the deal with her?
One thing is for sure: You don’t want to shell out your hard-earned cash on a woman who strings you along, gives you an awkward hug good night, and then blows off your phone calls.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys feel there is a financial “price” for playing the dating game. They figure, if you’re going to get a girl (or land a quality girlfriend), you’re going to have to wine and dine a bunch of different women.
They also think if you manage to get a date with a seriously hot chick, a “9” or a “10,” you’d better be ready to spend generously: dinners at nice restaurants, rounds of drinks at expensive nightclubs, concert tickets, gifts, etc.
After all, that’s what these women expect from men. If you want to take your shot, you’re going to have to suck it up and drop down the Visa card.
Right?
Wrong.
Don’t be in such a hurry to toss your cash around, Mr. Moneybags.
The truth is, when you spend substantial amounts of money on a woman you’ve just begun to date, you’re actually making things more difficult for yourself, and creating a bad expectation.
There is a principle of persuasion that salespeople use on customers called the Rule of Reciprocity.
(A good salesman is essentially a “pickup artist” for his products and company.)
Basically, this rule states that when you do something for someone, no matter how minor, that person is going to feel obligated to repay you. In fact, he will feel UNCOMFORTABLE until he gets rid of this debt hanging over his head.
It’s human nature. People never want to feel indebted, or that they “owe” someone.
Members of the Hare Krishna cult used to hang around airports, with their shaved heads and yellow robes handing out flowers to people and trying to get donations.
Those little flowers are another example of the Rule of Reciprocity. When they hand someone a flower, the person is subconsciously going to feel obligated.
Usually, the person will hand over a dollar to the Krishna just to overcome that awkward feeling and be on their way (even though they’ll probably toss the flower in the trash a moment later, which the Krishnas then collect and give away again).
So in exchange for giving away something totally worthless, the Krishna pockets $1. Those dollars add up when you’re doing it all day long, every day.
And it’s all because they play on the guilty feeling you experience when someone gives you something for “free” and puts you in the position of feeling like you “owe” them – even if they don’t say it explicitly.
Here’s more of an everyday situation:
You run into an old friend of yours, someone you haven’t seen for years. He invites you out for dinner and drinks. At the end of the night, he insists on picking up the tab: $200. You want to split the check, but he insists on paying.
Sure, you appreciate the gesture, but it also makes you feel a little bit guilty and awkward. Your instincts are telling you, you’ve got to take this guy out in the near future and pay for HIS meal. You’ve been hit by the Rule of Reciprocity.
Now, a lot of guys use this law to try and obligate a woman into affection or sex, or even a relationship with him. They think that if they can just buy enough meals, or drinks, or gifts – if they can just financially guilt a woman into it, she’ll start to be attracted to him.
This is faulty thinking for two primary reasons:
1) Women are highly sensitive to this principle when it’s used as a coercive tactic. A woman of good moral fiber might go out to dinner with you once, but once she’s determined that there’s no “spark,” she’s gone. (A woman of low moral fiber will just see how much she can milk you for.)
2) Emotions are not created by guilt. Sexual attraction is created through Alpha Behaviors – not obligation.
In the early stages of any romantic relationship with a woman, you need to keep the spending inconspicuous.
Remember: YOU are the one doing the interview for the most important position you will ever hire someone for. Don’t ever play the part of the desperate stooge.
So how does this translate into the world of dating and attraction?
The Rule of Reciprocity can also be used to your advantage in various ways once you’re involved with a woman. Since you never want women to take you for granted, and you always want them to respect your time and effort, there are all kinds of ways to make your gestures seem like “favors” that women will feel obligated to repay.
In the next newsletter, I’ll tell you about a student of mine, Gary, who reached a point of total frustration with women. He was taking girls out, spending hundreds of dollars on them, and getting nothing – nada, zip, squat – in return.
I showed him exactly where he was going WRONG.
I’ll show YOU how to turn the tables and start receiving dividends EVERY TIME you invest your time, money – and energy in a woman.
And you can spend a lot less of all of them than you probably think is necessary…
A lot of guys are running around applying “pickup artist” tactics, but not knowing how they really work. It’s like learning a few chords on a guitar but not knowing how to play them in key – or with the right timing. Your own approaches and conversations with women will feel hollow and false.
The good news is that this is something that you can start to fix RIGHT NOW. The most important thing I show you how to do when working on your inner game is to change your behaviors now, and work on your thinking as you go.
No therapy.
No kooky New Age breathing rituals.
All you have to do is bring a willingness to overcome your fears and grow in new dimensions.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of “The Rule of Reciprocity…”
– Carlos Xuma
http://www.datingdynamics.com
