Which comes first: confidence or techniques?

There’s this ongoing debate over the use of ‘strategies’ or ‘techniques’ with women.

One corner holds that to do anything INTENTIONAL (i.e., display higher value, neg-hit, C&F, whatever) means that you’re just not doing it right. They feel you need to come from high self-esteem right off the starting blocks. To use techniques means that you’re manipulating and coming from the wrong frame or belief system.

But if the “natural” does these things (DHV, neg-hits, teasing, C&F) then it’s okay, after all, he’s just doing it … uh… naturally.

Hmm.

In the other corner is the belief that we must HAVE the techniques to learn. We gotta have all the cool openers, and cold reading skills, and cube games, and kino gambits. The more techniques we use, the more we can get the women we want. I’ll fake it ’til I make it, the Eager Learner says.

But we also know that without that grounding of self-confidence and self-image, these techniques lose their effectiveness, their sizzle.

In the Martial Arts, there’s the principle of “Classical” vs. “Practical.” Allow me to explain:

In “Classical,” you do the forms, the Katas, and all your techniques by-the-book. Very little consideration is given for “real world” or “Street fighting.” You simply do the techniques precisely, even if they don’t make much practical sense.

(This is one of the problems Bruce Lee had reconciling all the various arts and what sent him looking for his Tao of Jeet Kune Do.)

An on the other side, “Practical,” you throw formality to the wind and do whatever works. You modify the technique to fit the situation You use whatever makes sense for that situation, even if it defies the rules of the Martial Arts.

I practice an art that balances these two mindsets. You learn the ‘classical’ so that you have good form and technique. Then you learn the practical (sparring) to apply it. BOTH are necessary.

I had all kinds of ego-boys come into my studio and tell me that forms and Katas are useless because they aren’t “real” fighting. They are missing the point that without basics and disciplined principles, you’re just going to fall back on poorly developed responses.

Sound familiar?

The truth is, whether we’re talking about Classical vs. Practical, or Inner Game vs. Outer Game, or Techniques vs. Natural, we need BOTH.

Walk up to any guy that’s new to this field who’s just trying to hold on by his fingertips, and tell him “Sorry, you shouldn’t be doing this until your self-esteem is higher. When you’re in that mindset, you’ll be more successful.”

Yeah. Right. Thanks, dude.

The Eager Learner needs techniques to bridge the gap from wherever he is to wherever he’s going. From X self-confidence to X+20 self-confidence.

It’s easy for some of us to just look down from above and proclaim, “When you have OUR frame, you’ll feel the inner game, too! Until then, you are a Bad Man for trying to come from where WE do.” (Imagine that spoken with lots of echo and a deep voice like James Earl Jones…)

As someone said so well, that’s a great concept, but it doesn’t do ANYONE any good because there’s nothing to USE. Instead, start talking more about how to ACHIEVE this state, and now we’ve got something applicable.

Otherwise, we’ve got a chicken-and-the-egg situation. I need to use the techniques to build my confidence, but I can’t use the techniques right until I GET the confidence.

Ugh. My Brain Hurrrrrrt.

Throw a bunch of tools at the feet of some would-be carpenter and he’ll be making crappy wood projects for quite some time. Make him read a dozen books on the subject and “imagine” the belief system of a master wood worker and he’ll STILL be making crappy wood projects for quite some time.

Give him those same tools AND some knowledge and understanding of what each is for and why it works (yes, the same tools the master carpenters use), and now he has a roadmap AND a compass to get where he wants to go. (Excuse my mixed metaphor.) Pretty soon, those wood projects he’s made aren’t going to suck as bad.

He practices, he gets better, his confidence rises. He starts becoming “natural.”

Let’s not fall into thinking in black & whites, absolutes. The mature mind thinks in grays, just like the gray matter that conceived the thoughts.

Balance in all things. Learn to live in the uncomfortable world of “no absolutes.” Human interaction is an organic entity, unpredictable. You need places to steady your boat, and techniques form those anchors.

One of the theories I teach is called “Pendulum theory.” Simply stated, it means that all behaviors must go through extreme fluctuations before settling into equilibrium.

Pickup and at-traction is no different.

Way over on one side is “fake it”; on the other is arrogance. In between is relaxed confidence.

Way over on one side is all technique; on the other is “be yourself”.

In between is your natural style. You’ll evolve into it.

A guy’s gotta learn what the technique IS, what it DOES, and how it WORKS. He uses it and gets a little success, and his confidence goes up.

Now, all of a sudden, he FEELS the difference. Maybe he uses a hundred different little techniques. Great.

Eventually, he will get the confidence that removes his dependency from having to DHV, neg-hit, or any other of our useful techniques for getting the right mindset and Frame.

The harsh reality is that confidence CANNOT be obtained in a vacuum. It is not a state of BEING as much as it is a state of DOING.

Confidence is demonstrated through ACTION. And it is also BUILT through ACTION.

As long as the Eager Learner or would-be Alpha Man comes from a place of Alpha Power – Honor, Strength, Courage, Values – then I say he can use all the damn techniques he likes. Party on, Wayne.

But remember that the pendulum will – MUST – come to rest somewhere in the gray area of balance and equilibrium. You will always be you, even when you’re trying to be someone else.

Without balance, there is no ‘Game,’ and no lasting success. It’s one of the unwritten universal laws.