Why Am I Getting Worse?

Hey Carlos…

I got your book way back in 2002, and I want to thank you for all the fantastic information in it. The material you put in there has saved my butt, and given me the ability to get the relationships I want.

I let a friend of mine, Dave, read it and he was all fired up, too. He went right out and started using your strategies to approach women and try to amp up the attraction. He’s seen me do it all the time, and he knows how powerful this Alpha Man mindset really is.

He got some new clothes that are really styling, and he no longer puts on that wimpy “I’ll do whatever you want for a date” vibe. He’s really changed.

Now here’s the weird thing: Dave was never all that good with women to begin with, so I thought this would be a good thing. But since he’s been using what I’ve shown him, he’s actually gotten WORSE with women. He gets numbers, but he feels that he was doing better the “old way.”

How the heck can this be? I know for a fact that the old wussy way of doing things was way wrong for him – for EVERY guy – but how could he have gotten worse?

– Ken, Detroit, Rock City.
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CARLOS ANSWERS:

Ahhhh…. yes, I’m familiar with the situation you’re referring to. This happens to about one guy in ten during in my bootcamps and seminars, until I explain to them what the problem is so they can fix it.

Here’s what’s happening…

At first, when guys learn this stuff, they get all fired up and jazzed. When a man learns that there are actually specific behaviors that women are looking for in a mate, and how he’s been shorting out his Alpha Man vibe with the opposite sex, he will start making course corrections right away. Every guy wants to attract women with a battle plan.

The problem happens when a guy has been VERY wimpy in the past with women, and now he understands his error – and then he OVER corrects. He swings WAY over to the other end of the spectrum and ends up repelling instead of attracting women because he gets a little abrasive and cocky.

This is a necessary part of the process, Ken. Your friend has to experience the extreme before he can find the equilibrium where his real personality lies. It’s a difficult transition between being a chump that kisses up to women and the guy that commands respect from his internal strength.

You see, a lot of guys are still under the belief that the game of attraction runs by rules that only the women are aware of, and they have resigned themselves to the game of buying women drinks, asking them out on dates, paying for those dates, and getting a peck on the cheek at the end of the night with an “I’ll call you…” Later on, she tells him that she thinks of him “only as a friend.”

And he goes on to the next one and the next one, figuring he’s just playing the odds.

The tricky part is that if Dave doesn’t start getting results, he might start to think he was better off with his old chumpy ways and give up before he starts to see the bright light of success just around the corner.

Dave was a wuss for probably all of his life with women – to the extreme. He was the “Nice Guy.” He’s the kind of guy a woman SHOULD be crazy about, but doesn’t. She needs a strong MASCULINE charge from him, and Nice Guys seem more like they’re about making people like them than demonstrating their take-no-$#!+ attitude. (That’s what the “Bad Boys” demonstrate – usually to the other extreme.)

You don’t attract women by showing them a doormat – you attract women by showing them a self-respecting Alpha Man with choices and abundance.

So when Dave got started on practicing my strategies for attraction, they probably felt very foreign to him. So much so that he ended up scaring off some women. Some of the ladies probably felt his discomfort and this set off an alarm in their instincts. When a woman senses that a man is not completely comfortable with himself, they will usually not be attracted to him.

Dave’s situation is like the guy who hasn’t worked out in years. He suddenly starts going to the gym again and doing all the right things with his diet and exercise, but he feels like crap.

Why? His body needs to get used to the new stress being put on it before he’ll start to notice that his sleep is better, his digestion is better, and all those poisons that collected in his system are now hitting the road.

He has to grow into his new habits and blend them with his personality.

This happens all the time to professional athletes when they work with a trainer that corrects some bad habits. The athlete experiences a temporary slump as they integrate the good habits in and get used to them.

Dave just needs to back off a bit and find his groove with the material he’s learned, and integrate it back into his lifestyle so that it seems more like “him.”

His ability to attract women will be in direct relation to the comfort he feels with himself, and the confidence he has in his new path.

You’re right, he’s on the right track, but now he’s just got to relax, have faith, and persevere. He’s within inches of getting the success with women that most guys only dream about…

– Carlos Xuma