I just found this funny article in the Onion. For those of you who aren’t aware, they run sarcastic/humorous “news” stories.
This one is just too funny… Also, read my comments at the end.
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Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use
MANASSAS, VA–Maxim subscriber Kevin Blynn, 23, looks forward to putting into practical use the advice and information about women he has gleaned from the popular men’s lifestyle magazine, sources reported Tuesday.
“I’m the kind of guy who likes to work all the angles, and no one has more angles for dealing with women than Maxim,” Blynn said. “I just read an article on how to land a model by dressing really sloppy so she thinks you’re an artist or musician or something. It’s genius. I’ve been taking mental notes for about four months now, and it’s almost time to put them into action. This subscription is really going to pay for itself.”
While Blynn, who started reading the magazine in January, is currently single, he anticipates his dating status will change when he begins “Project: Laid.”
“Until I found out about Maxim, I really didn’t understand girls,” Blynn said. “Now, I’ve got an edge. One article suggested I pretend to be gay to get women to let their defenses down. I mean, it’s risky and could easily backfire, but if it works, I’ll be swimming in it.”
Though he has gone on just one date in the past three months, Blynn is confident that his lonely, masturbation-intensive Saturday nights will soon come to an end.
“The latest issue tells you how to turn any situation into guaranteed sex,” Blynn said. “If there’s a threat of a terrorist attack, you can turn that into terror sex. If you’re in a foreign country, you can turn that into ‘two ships in the night’ sex. If your girlfriend’s pissed off about something, you can turn that into hot, angry, I-hate-you sex. As soon as I get a girlfriend, I’m gonna try that last one out.”
Maxim, Blynn said, also offers valuable advice on how to bed female acquaintances.
“The February issue had some kick-ass info on how to score with a female friend who just got dumped,” Blynn said. “You have to come on all nice and sensitive until you seal the deal. The article said chicks love it, but you have to do it right, or they’ll get pissed before you can get any of that pie.”
Blynn said he is confident that Maxim’s road-tested tips will work for him.
“A lot of the information and advice is from guys like me,” Blynn said. “They’re out there in the trenches trying out their tips before they print them, so I know they’ve got to be good. Those guys at Maxim get all the tail.”
In spite of Blynn’s faith, his friends are skeptical of his reliance on the magazine for advice.
“I doubt this’ll work any better than anything else he’s tried,” former roommate Chris Komarek said. “Kevin was never good when it came to meeting women. He had a girlfriend for a few months in college and was really hurt when they broke up. If this Maxim stuff is building up his confidence, more power to him. It couldn’t be any worse than when he used to run stuff in the ‘Missed Connections’ section of the personals, hoping to hook up with some girl he’d stared at in some coffee shop for hours. That was just sad.”
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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:
Okay, what makes this post so funny is that the unspoken truth is that NO ONE gets better with women by reading Maxim.
Really, there’s almost no good practical advice in there. It’s meant to be one big prick tease from cover to cover.
But what’s really funny is that last part at the end about the “missed connections.” It’s very true – if you’re so desperate that you need to run an ad for someone you think you might have missed, you are in a very bad SCARCITY mindset.
I used to be that way.
So remember, in the end, these magazines will not help you get laid.
You need REAL dating tips for guys that work.
