Question & Answer with Carlos
Have you ever felt like the goal of finding a woman to have as your girlfriend is so far out of your reach that you don’t know WHAT to do next?
I’ve felt that way. There was a time when I was so frustrated about finding someone – much less a woman that would sleep with me – that I felt like I was totally paralyzed.
Well, I’ve got a real treat for you in this newsletter.
I’m going to give you my easy 3-step plan to figure out how the heck to get started.
Right NOW.
Not next week or next month, but right away. This is an easy way for you to figure out what the next best step is and get moving.
QUESTION FROM A READER:
Carlos,
First of all, I’d like to express my gratitude to you and all the work you’ve put out there for other people.
I purchased the Dating Black Book at the end of last summer, and ordered your Social Dynamics CDs not too long ago.
Both have helped to make me a smarter, less high strung, and more self-aware individual to the point where I am now referred to by some of my friends as ‘the most approachable.’
That’s all well and good, but it isn’t enough. You see, for whatever reason, I’ve never had sex, and now I’m nearing the hump of my 22nd year and I’m dying to get out there and see what I can do. I’m not shy, and my approach anxiety is fairly low, but then I find that I also have virtually no skills and leading the girls that I’m attracted to into intimacy.
My problem? I don’t know what it is I’m looking for half the time because I have no real knowledge of what it is I like to have in someone.
I’m not trying to just get out there and screw some girl’s brains out – although at this point it might be the healthiest thing I can do–it’s just being a 22 year old virgin can be pretty lonely sometimes, and I’m not sure how to get past my one blaring-hurdle.
Any suggestions, man? Therapy? A pr*stitute?
–sincerely,
A Man Jonesing for Love.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Okay, I’m going to call you my buddy “Jones” for the time being.
I do appreciate that you took the time and effort to write in about something that must be so painful and difficult to talk about…
Now, let’s get this situation fixed.
First of all, I’m glad you were able to get those programs, because they are the ones that will make a big difference with your game.
It’s a common issue for a lot of guys to feel like they don’t know what they want when they get out there and start connecting with women.
It’s really not much different than being faced with buying your first car.
What do you need? Something fast?
Something like an SUV – utility with a lot of space to carry stuff?
How about a 4-wheel drive so you can go up to the mountains?
Something with great gas mileage so you can save money?
How do you know what you DON’T KNOW?
Well, the answer really is pretty easy. You hit on it in your email, in fact…
Write down what you think your needs are right now, and then go out and TEST DRIVE.
The only way to figure out what it is you want is just try out the models on the market. (And I do hope you score yourself a “model” of your own. If you live in L.A., every woman is a model or an actress. Or thinks she is.)
Now, keep in mind, you won’t have ANY idea what you want this early in the process.
+++ AND THAT’S OKAY!
No one said you had to marry the first chick you sleep with. (I’m not going to go into a long philosophical or religious debate here, but I don’t believe any man should just jump into a LIFETIME contract without shopping around.
That’s just a recipe for disaster.
And I’ll also say that just “getting it out of the way” by going to a hooker is NOT what I recommend. There are men everywhere that are hooked on this because of an addiction to fantasy that is so easy to fall into.
Once you start trading dollars for physical intimacy, you’re on a very slippery slope. I can show you a far better way.
It sounds to me that you’re in a situation that can be remedied fairly easily.
First of all, make sure your goal right now isn’t the same as a beginning athlete trying to win the super bowl in his first season.
There’s an old saying about learning how to walk BEFORE you run, and yet this is probably THE most overlooked bit of truth in the whole dating advice field. You’ve got a bunch of people selling you “quick-fix” stuff, but no one tells you that you can’t shoot for the moon on your first attempt.
In fact, if you do, you’ll destroy your confidence and ability almost immediately.
So, as much as I’d like to take care of this “blaring hurdle” (is it really?), I’m going to have to tell you that the next step for you is whatever you have NOT accomplished yet.
+++ YOUR NEXT STEP…
So if that’s going from holding hands to a hug, make that your next goal.
If it’s going from a kiss on the cheek to making out, THAT is your next goal.
If it’s going from making out to something more physical, THAT is your next goal.
It’s the same process if you’re learning to get better with women or with playing the guitar or learning how to drive a car.
The biggest and most common mistake I see guys make is to fall into delusions of grandeur, imagining themselves turning into instant players, or instant rock stars, or instant NASCAR drivers.
Remember, if everything was so damn easy, you’d be doing it right now.
Your next step is your next step. You might not want to hear me say that, but that’s the honest truth.
But to get you along faster on that path, you need to start using the information I’ve given you to get going further and further. It’s time to start pushing the envelope a little.
You’ve made some huge steps in overcoming your social limitations, and now it’s time for you to overcome the rest of your limitations by BUILDING and PRACTICING the Dating Skills you need.
(I have more information on this HERE)
Ask yourself the following three questions, answer them on paper, and you’ve got a blueprint to get you off to a huge start:
______________________
THE THREE UNIVERSAL STEPS TO BETTER DATING SKILLS:
STEP 1) Are you getting out of the house and putting yourself in social situations and places where you can meet women on a REGULAR basis?
If YES, move on to step 2.
If NO, then you need to get out and start doing this ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME.
Getting laid is a contact sport, my friend. You need to be meeting people and expanding your social skill set all the time. It starts right at the basics – with your ability to just go out and have fun with other people.
Go to speed dating, go to parties, go to bars and clubs, go to match.com, go EVERYWHERE you can.
PERIOD. No excuses.
Anything you may have just said in your head or out loud to contradict what I just said is bullshit, and you shouldn’t tolerate it.
STEP 2) Are you approaching or meeting women right now?
If Yes, great. Move on to step 3.
If NO, then THAT is what you need to be doing. A woman isn’t going to magically appear, and feminism was a big lie, so no ‘liberated’ women will be approaching you anytime soon.
Start meeting women right now by simply walking up and talking to them. It’s easy.
It’s stopping that voice in your head that keeps trying to talk you out of it that can prove to be a challenge.
And if you need it, I can help you to shut that voice up…
STEP 3) Are you CONSISTENTLY taking the lead by moving forward and escalating with ALL the women you’re dating?
If Yes, then great! You’ve passed, and you’re on the road to getting all the success with women you could ever want. It’s only a matter of time, because this is all you ever need to do.
If your answer is NO, then your next goal is simply to start moving FORWARD with every woman you meet to either make them a romantic possibility, or a “see ya later…”
Be ruthlessly intolerant of women wasting your time. It’s one of the critical success factors of all guys I know who get good results with women.
+++ IT’S ALL ABOUT FORWARD MOTION…
When I say “move forward,” I simply mean that you MUST not allow yourself to stay in the “comfortable” and “safe” zone with a woman where you’re just happy to have gotten her out on a date.
Again, it’s a common error that a guy will get a woman out and then be so afraid of “messing it up” that he never makes an advance, physically or emotionally. And then she just drops him in the friends bucket because he couldn’t get up the balls to make things happen.
Now believe it or not, those three steps that I just explained to you are the ones that 95% of guys are NOT doing.
Seriously.
As in, no joke.
They’re not practicing the basics. Instead, they’re looking for the next most clever technique that can help them forget that what they really need to do is take ACTION.
And honestly a lot of guys are immobilized because they just haven’t found the right starting place to take that action.
Well, action has never been easier then now.
All it takes to develop dating skills is that you overcome your natural inclination toward laziness and what I call “SFN” syndrome. (“Something For Nothing.”)
The average man gives in to his impatient nature, and he gets no results.
The Alpha Man excels by overcoming his limitations and paying the price to get what he wants.
But he’s also smart enough to NOT OVER-PAY for his objectives! You don’t need to spend years in intensive therapy to get yourself in touch with your masculinity and get REAL results with women.
Do you ever feel like you’re at a loss when it comes to approaching women and getting them interested in you – romantically?
Read the next couple paragraphs carefully, because it has a DIRECT IMPACT ON YOU…
Women are attracted to several key behaviors in men. These are things that many guys don’t know women want because they seem to goes against what they think of as “nice.”
The ideas I’ve just discussed in the steps above are what I consider to be essential behaviors to incorporate in your identity.
These are a critical part of dating success with women.
Most guys spend no time improving their skills with women, and then they end up chickening out when the time is right to approach women. They’d rather sit back and talk about what they WOULD do, but not actually muster up the courage to DO IT.
I’m going to tell you a little secret:
I used to be the same way.
Yep. I was scared to death to walk up to a beautiful woman I didn’t know and just start a conversation with her.
If you’re like me, you know that this situation doesn’t get better without learning some new skills and techniques to overcome your fears. It simply will NOT get better on its own…
I made a decision right then that lasted me a lifetime. I decided that – do or die – I was going to learn how to approach women, how to talk to women, and how to get a date. No matter WHAT it took.
I started watching other guys, trying out my own stuff, seeing what worked and what didn’t, and I kept it in a book.
Now, a couple years ago, I took all that information and I created a training program that was designed to get guys past all these hurdles.
The first part of this is to get the basic skill of approaching women under your belt.
My training program covers every part of approaching women – without rejection and without shame.
I KNOW what it’s like to sit there feeling like you can’t talk to that hot woman in the bar, or the attractive store clerk you’d like to ask for her number.
I’ve sat there in silence, desperately waiting for the right moment to happen so I could ask a woman out, and feeling that sick sensation in my gut when it never happened.
Now you can get the tools to fix this…
RIGHT NOW.
Go take a look at my Approach Women NOW program. I assure it’s the piece of the puzzle you’ve been missing.
I’ll talk to you again soon,
Your Friend,
– Carlos Xuma
